tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20331339716627037362024-02-07T19:05:50.890-06:00The Miller TimesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-84772354852158377812020-03-19T09:27:00.000-06:002020-03-19T09:27:25.315-06:00An Introvert's Guide to Better ConversationsI'm an introvert. For those of you who knew me back when, you already know this because I was one of a small number of introverts in my class and stuck out like a sore thumb. Some of you know that I love talking about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (I'm an INTJ, in case you wondered) and have heard me share often about my introversion.<br />
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According to Myers-Briggs, a person who is an introvert receives energy from time spent in more reflective activities focused on their inner world. They prefer doing things alone or with one or two people they feel comfortable with. They take time to reflect and observe, before taking action. They can be seen as reserved or quiet and many mistake them for being shy. An introvert will be slower to speak in a group, often only speaking up if their thought is important enough to take the risk of speaking up. Being around others can be taxing to the introvert who then requires time to recharge their social batteries.<br />
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Because introverts are so inward focused and not comfortable in crowded settings or making small talk with people they don't know well, conversations can be stressful and challenging. I have worked primarily in social settings where being overly-introverted ran contrary to my job description. It was a do-or-die situation to become more comfortable with conversational skills that came easy to my extroverted workmates. Over the years, I have had to practice some skills to enter and maintain conversations, and I've grown much more comfortable with social settings that would have left me in the fetal position twenty years ago.<br />
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<b><u>Meeting New People</u></b><br />
Interacting with new people or (gasp!) initiating conversations is very taxing to the typical introvert. But, here are a few tried-and-true tips I have found to be successful in most situations.<br />
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<b><i>Tip #1</i></b><br />
Compliments -- The most hardcore introvert doesn't love compliments due to the awkwardness of knowing how to respond (Do I say "thank you" or think of something to compliment them on -- or is it better to downplay the thing they complimented? Should I just run away?) However, most people love to be complimented. Flattery goes a long way toward friendship. So, when you need to initiate a conversation, start with a compliment. Here are the steps:<br />
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Step #1 -- Introverts are great at observing before they jump in, so observe your conversational target and choose something about them that you genuinely do like or appreciate, like their rad shirt, snazzy shoes, fabulous handbag, cool haircut, trendy glasses, or something else easily visible.<br />
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Step #2 -- Get into their line of sight and look from the admired object to the person's face, then say "That's a really cool [fill-in-the-blank]" or "I love your [fill-in-the-blank]."<br />
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Step #3 -- After they say "thank you", follow up with a question or a comment that takes it a step further and gives room for them to answer with more than a couple of words. Example: "I'd love to get one like it for my [fill-in-the-blank person in your life -- preferably not someone that will sound like you're insulting the person]" or "I saw something like it on vacation last year [only use this if true]."<br />
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Step #4 -- Hopefully the other person will respond and you can ask a follow-up question about that to keep the conversation going. If they say "I got it at a little shop downtown called The Chic Boutique." you could respond with "I've seen that place but never had time to stop in. I will definitely have to check it out next time I'm downtown."<br />
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Step #5 -- Introduce yourself and maybe give a little more info that could lead to a different conversational topic. "By the way, my name is [fill-in-the-blank]. My friend is hosting this networking group and invited me."<br />
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Step #6 -- Hope that the other person gives an opening to respond in kind and continue the conversation.<br />
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<b><i>Tip #2</i></b><br />
Ask a Question -- Most people aren't rude and will engage in a conversation long enough to answer a question. This is a low-risk way to initiate a conversation and see if it opens up to something bigger. They may answer in a way that opens the conversation up to go deeper or they may answer in a curt way that shows they aren't interested. No worries if they don't want to converse, they just aren't someone with long-term potential as your friendship soulmate.<br />
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Step #1 -- Think of a question that's not obvious or stupid that you could ask...preferably something relevant to the space you're in. If it seems they're "regulars" in this setting, ask a question that a newcomer might typically ask, like "Have you been to this networking group before?" When they indicate a "yes" answer follow with, "This is my first time at this group. Do you if newcomers are supposed to introduce themselves and their business during the formal part of the meeting?"<br />
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Step #2 -- If they answer in a way that gives an indication they might be friendly or open to talking more, introduce yourself and how you got involved with the group or event. If it's a party, say how you know the host. This gives space for them to respond by sharing how they got connected, too.<br />
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Step #3 -- Continue the conversation by commenting about the event, like the music that's playing, the caterer who provided the food, the venue, etc. Choose something you can talk more about, like if the caterer is from a restaurant you love or the music is from a band you saw in concert once.<br />
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Step #4 -- The conversation will either flow naturally or it won't. If it doesn't flow naturally, end with a "It was nice to meet you" ending to be polite and then look for another friendly-looking target to try next.<br />
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<b><i>Tip #3</i></b><br />
Join an Activity-Based Group -- If you really aren't sure how to start conversations, an activity-based group might be a good way to meet new people without a lot of discomfort. Find something you're interested in or good at then join a group where others are doing that activity together. Here's a good example: If you're interested in art, join an art class. Every member of your class will have their art projects and what they're learning as a springboard for natural conversation. The same is true for clubs or sports teams with a common purpose. You'll naturally talk about the shared experience of the group or the common goal you're working toward together. The first couple of sessions or practices might be awkward as you feel out the group and find your niche within it, but in general the conversations that flow around the common activity will be easy to initiate and maintain comfortably.<br />
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Here's what I have learned about initiating despite my unease with initiating: Most people aren't going home and journaling about the conversations that fell flat or the weird introverts who tried to introduce themselves. Even though it feels risky in the moment, trying to have conversations with new people really is very low-risk because the other person in the conversation isn't nearly as focused on your discomfort as you are. In fact, they probably won't even notice that you felt or acted awkward. Truly, unless your nerves make you vomit or pass out, your self-perceived flub probably won't even register on their radar or be memorable for even a few seconds after they walk away from you. The more you practice those less-preferred extrovert parts of your personality, the more comfortable you'll become using those skills. It's like someone who broke their dominant hand and has to temporarily use their non-dominant hand for writing or other tasks. In the beginning, their writing is slow and labored, with an end product that looks like a kindergartener's handwriting. But after a few days or weeks of practice, most people become fluent enough at writing with their non-dominant hand that others don't even notice it wasn't natural or preferred. Your introvert use of extrovert skills is exactly like that, so get out there and start practicing!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-31721330564778773192018-05-23T18:54:00.001-06:002018-05-23T18:58:26.207-06:00It's not YOU, it's ME....(but, yeah, it kind of is you...)When I was still a single lass, I hated to hurt the feelings of guys I went on dates with. It's not like I had a long line of suitors and was breaking hearts left and right. And, full disclosure: I was most often the dump-ee (which is bound to happen if a guy is mostly just in it for the sex, but you've committed to wait until marriage).<br />
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I was a good catch, other than the no-sex policy, and I did have a few guys who totally thought "Tina's Song" was their jam. Unfortunately for most of them, that's not the tune I was singing, if you know what I mean.<br />
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So how did I let these poor fellas know I just wasn't that into them? I usually gave them the old "It's not YOU, it's ME" line. You know the one -- "I'm the one whose heart is nothing more than a shriveled up raisin; I'm the one who is incapable of loving someone as amazing as you. Go! Go therefore and find a woman who is worthy of someone like you! I release you from the bonds of pining after a broken, loveless person such as I!"<br />
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"It's not you, it's me" is so cliche and I feel embarrassed now to admit that I used the line even once, much less several times.<br />
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"It's not you, it's me" is also a terrible lie.<br />
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Usually when I used the line "It's not you, it's me", what I really meant in my heart of hearts was "It's not you that I could ever see myself spending another five minutes with; it's me who cannot get away from you soon enough so that I might have a chance at real love".<br />
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More to the point, the real line should have been "It IS you. Period."<br />
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The same is true for the line "I think we should just be friends." I've never said that line to someone and then ACTUALLY remained friends with them. Why? Because I didn't mean it. I'm not even Twitter friends with any guys I have ever dated, and that's a pretty low bar of friendship because I'm Twitter friends with someone named "Hall Snarkies".<br />
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And why is it that we can't just say the truth?<br />
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"Look, I believe that in this world there is a lid for every pot. I'm not your lid. You're not my pot. Thanks for taking me to dinner, but I should just be honest and let you know that I don't see this going anywhere. Now get out there and find yourself the perfect lid!"<br />
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And maybe the break-up really is mostly the other person's fault. What if the guy licked his fingers all the way through dinner...and it wasn't at a fried chicken place? Or what if he picked his nose or treated the waitress poorly or made inappropriate jokes about people of another race? I don't want that guy getting off the hook so easily to blame me for what went so wrong. Maybe it would be more humane to give him the honest truth that he has some behaviors that might be off-putting to others. "Thank you for taking me to dinner tonight. I just don't think you're my type and, to be honest, you have some habits that didn't make the best impression on me. If you want some honest feedback so you can impress the next girl, I'm willing to share some things that might help."<br />
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Those words take a lot more guts than the simple "It's not you, it's me", so maybe you should just stick with the time-worn break-up cliche that has served us so well for generations.<br />
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It's not you.<br />
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It's me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-8030335796839705122018-03-07T13:24:00.001-06:002018-03-07T13:24:37.684-06:00Back in My DayLet me pull up my pants a little higher on my chest and look down at you over my reading glasses (which you probably already noticed are perched at the end of my nose) and tell you what childhood was like Back in My Day.<br />
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During the era of life known as Back in My Day, parents didn't seem to have a lot going on from a helicoptering standpoint. My mom was a mostly stay-at-home-mom who did freelance writing for a couple of local newspapers and magazines. When I look back at childhood, I definitely remember her being around and doing things for us or with us. For example, I remember summer adventures to the Summer Movie Program at the local cinema where they showed definitely-not-first-run children's movies for free once a week. We watched movies like "Pippi Longstocking", "Benji", "Apple Dumpling Gang", "Herbie", and "Bedknobs and Broomsticks". After the movie we would always have a picnic at one of the local parks in town. My mom was also a big fan of taking us to the library. Our town had five or six libraries, so my mom made it a habit of taking us to a different one each week because variety is the spice of life. She made cookies and cupcakes and, my favorite, homemade popsicles.<br />
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As great as my mom was, however, she was pretty much like most 1970's and 80's parents I knew: very hands-off. Lest you think I mean neglectful, I don't. Let me explain a typical day-off from school at my house during that era. My brother and I could sleep until we woke up on our own and then we made ourselves breakfast, usually something like a slice of buttered toast or a bowl of Cheerios. Then we'd get dressed in clothes that we could get dirty in and head out on our bikes to see what the neighbor kids were up to. We lived in the country and our closest kid neighbors we liked were at least mile away. My brother and I put in many miles on the dirty farm roads around our neighborhood. If the first neighbor kid wasn't available, we'd power on to the next one. Or, better yet, we would find the first neighbor kid at home and invite him to join us as we headed together to find out which other neighbors were around.<br />
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Here's the hands-off part of the story: we didn't have cell phones and we didn't use the neighbor kids' home phones to check-in with our mom. We would be gone for hours at a time and our mom had no idea where we were. If we didn't eventually come home for a meal, she would have started making calls, but until then she was never too concerned that we were dead in a ditch somewhere or kidnapped or experimenting with drugs. So long as we eventually came home and no neighbor adults called to say we were in trouble, that was fine by my mom.<br />
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Here's the thing: there really wasn't much to worry about. My mom knew all the neighbors and they knew her. It wasn't a mystery that we were probably either at a neighbor's house or on our bike somewhere in between. She wasn't concerned about evil touching our safe little corner of the world.<br />
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Back in the 1970's and 80's the world just felt more safe. Sure, there were the occasional news stories that broke into the national spotlight about kids who had been kidnapped or of families who had been murdered. But those stories didn't dominate any sort of national news conversation because 24-hour cable news wasn't a thing yet in the 1970's and 80's. News commentators didn't have to fill up endless hours with stories told over and over from new angles with increasingly salacious details to keep viewers tuned in. And there was no internet yet -- and certainly no social media -- to pass frightening stories along and keep everyone terrified of the outside world. There was no website to track the whereabouts of all the sex offenders in our town. Our 1970's parents were blissfully ignorant of the dangers around us and that's why they weren't worried about the hours we spent outside of their presence as we adventured with the neighbors.<br />
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Fast-forward to the decade we are now in (The 2010's? Is that what you call it?). Now, every terrible thing that happens to children in the world is available for public consumption all the time. There are Amber Alerts sent directly to our phones, social media warnings about kids being snatched from Target, fears of transexual predators lurking in public bathrooms, seemingly-weekly school shootings, high profile pedophile coaches/team doctors/teachers, and terrifying tales of human sex trafficking rampant in even the most idyllic towns. If you read or watch the news, this is a terrifying time to be a child because the coverage makes it seem that danger is literally lurking around every corner.<br />
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Back in My Day, kids weren't as accessible as they are now. In my house growing up, we had a phone in the kitchen with a super-long cord we could stretch down the hall for some privacy. It would have been nearly impossible for a pervert to see me in public somewhere and then track down information to find where I lived so they could call and harass me on my family's landline telephone. Now, however, most kids have their own phones starting in elementary. Many kids have social media profiles starting in middle school and have been interacting with the known and unknown world online for years. Now parents have to deal with the scary world outside, thanks to the 24/7 news telling us about every kidnapping, murder, rape, and other awful thing that happens to kids like ours; AND we have to deal inside our homes with the very real terror of which scary strangers might be lurking behind the profile pictures of harmless-looking guys and girls on Instagram, SnapChat, and whatever other apps are popular with kids these days. With the push of a couple of buttons, a predator can create an online persona complete with a dreamy-looking photo they copied from Google Images. What appears to be a hunky 15-year old could actually be a 53-year old sitting in his mother's basement in his underwear watching child pornography on his laptop while posting comments on your child's Instagram photo.<br />
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What's even worse, with apps like NameTag, that same creepy adult can snap a photo of a child at the mall or school event (without the child even knowing what has happened) and use facial recognition to easily find that child on social media. If the child has their own social media presence, this NSFS (Not-Safe-For-Schools) adult can then send the child messages and begin to befriend them in a manner that seems safe at first before becoming terrifyingly-manipulative. That's a nightmare scenario for sure and probably isn't happening on some rampant basis, but it makes parenting feel more impossible as we face technology that puts predators inside our homes on the latest technology our children have begged us for because "<i>everyone</i> has a smartphone, Mom" and "<i>everyone</i> is on SnapChat, Dad".<br />
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The 24/7 news coverage of all the terribleness of the world plus my own knowledge that my children are so vulnerable on the internet has made parenting in the 2010's feel terrifying. And the spinning-out-of-control feeling we have about our inability to protect our children makes us keep them close in all other areas that we can control. Even living in a relatively-safe neighborhood with no registered sex offenders living close (I checked), I don't let my children hang out for long periods outside of my presence. If they are hanging out with the neighbors (who we have met and know their parents), we still make them check in with us every half hour or so, either through a text or by coming back home. We don't even let them spend the night with people we don't know really well.<br />
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I'm trying to have a reasonable sense of balance in letting my children experience the world in an age-appropriate way. As much as it scares me, they must step out on their own two feet if I have any hope of them ever being well-adjusted adults. To help me let go a little, I've tried to remember that my own childhood had tons of risky behaviors that I navigated without falling into any terrible traps. When I look back at some of the things I learned on the school bus or at sleepovers, I'm kind of appalled -- and I know my parents would be, too, if they knew. By the time I was 18, I had gotten a very thorough education in all manner of shocking things. Most of my close friends were having a ton of sex in high school and were not shy in talking about everything from positions to "toys" to the best method for having sex without getting caught. And, yet, I stuck to my values and made wise choices, even as a teenager in the midst of all that influence.<br />
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I'm not naive to realize that my own children are going to get the same kind of "education" from their own peers, too. No matter how I might try to protect them, they will be influenced by the people around them to know things I don't want them to know yet and my daughters will feel pressured to do those things, too. All I can do is build values into my girls about sex, drugs, alcohol, and their own priceless self-worth. If they don't have values driving their choices, there's no amount of parental helicoptering that can save them from the scary things of the world.<br />
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Can I protect them with some degree of choices on my part? Sure. I can monitor their online presence and help them navigate tricky situations. I can also teach them about personal safety so they know how to handle people who might want to do harm (like a coach who might put his hands on them in a sexual way). They can be trained not to interact with strangers on the internet by teaching them that sexual predators are sometimes hiding behind safe-looking photos of kids on social media. But no amount of effort on my part can protect them 100% and I have to be prepared to cross that bridge with my children if poor choices (theirs or someone else's) cause them harm.<br />
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Sometimes I wish we could go to the land of Back in My Day because it seemed so simple to hop on a bike and ride to Marcie or Cindy or John's house for an afternoon of blissfully-unaware childhood playtime. It seems like childhood is so much easier to navigate without the constant pressure of social media lurking right at their fingertips. Since we can't go back (and I really don't want to go back to the days of mullet haircuts and avocado green appliances), it's time to let God care for my children as we navigate the 2010's together.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-66950824085946385912018-03-07T13:23:00.001-06:002018-03-07T13:23:40.145-06:00Which Gospel are you preaching?Gospel -- (noun) 1. Teaching or revelation of Christ. 2. A thing that is absolutely true. 3. The first of four books in the New Testament of the Bible. 4. "Good News".<br />
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When I was growing up in church, I knew that the word "gospel" was reserved to teachings about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, the Son of God and savior of the world. The church I grew up in taught that Jesus saved us from Hell, which I understood to be a literal place you went to when you died if you hadn't prayed the salvation prayer while you were still alive. But, my understanding of being saved from Hell has gained a more nuanced meaning now that I'm an adult.<br />
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I grew up understanding that it was good news to know and believe who Jesus was and is -- but not just for the afterlife. It is good news all the days of your life, because life without faith in Jesus is full of bad news: addiction, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, love of self, quarreling, disappointment, pain, dysfunctional relationships, emptiness, hopelessness...literal Hell right here on Earth. Life without Jesus is a life without hope. Jesus means for us to live life abundantly....not an abundance of money or stuff or happy experiences, but a life of abundant freedom, love, acceptance and intimacy with him, meaningful connections with others, peace, and joy.<br />
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With that in mind, it's as though followers of Jesus -- those who have already learned and accepted the good news -- have found the Elixir of Life or the cure for death. It's an amazing thing we have when we are no longer enslaved to selfish interests or imprisoned by the emptiness of this world. And we should be shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone we meet about this good news!<br />
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Unfortunately, even those of us who have chosen a life with Jesus have gotten comfortable, distracted, and forgetful of what an amazing gift we have received. We are comfortable in our homes with running water and electricity and plenty of food in the pantry or a job which generally provides the ability to pay for the things we are lacking. We are distracted by our televisions, gym memberships, cell phones and social media networks, our relationships, the things we can spend money on, and the wide variety of foods we can stuff into our mouths. All of this comfort and distraction (basically self-fulfillment) leads us to forget our savior except on Sundays or the days when something isn't going our way.<br />
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Too many of us, I'm afraid, have given up the good news of Jesus and are now preaching the gospel of some other thing entirely. Looking at my newsfeed on Facebook or the comments on Twitter tells me that many are preaching the gospel of a certain politician/political group, or gun rights, or Confederate flags/statues, or....you get the idea. The loudest cries of defense online seem to be for things deeply removed from the life's work of Jesus and the things he taught his disciples (and, through their writings, the things he continues to teach us).<br />
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What gospel are you preaching to others? What good news drives your life and the things your mouth speaks, your hands work at, and your dollars support? Is it a good news of life transformation and salvation from Hell on earth? Or are you preaching a false gospel that actually leads to more death -- death of joy, death of peace, death of love, death of freedom?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-73241176951832823162017-12-05T11:08:00.003-06:002018-02-26T12:55:09.018-06:00This One's for the BoysI have two daughters who are teenagers. One of them is almost old enough to go on dates. My husband and I were discussing how many conversations this requires us to have with our daughters about purity, protecting themselves from sexual assault, dressing modestly so boys won't get the wrong idea, birth control, teen pregnancy, STD's, sexting, pornography, sex trafficking, sexual predators, sexual harassment, and a whole host of behaviors they should avoid so they won't be vulnerable. As we talked, my husband noted that conversations about dating are simpler for boys and that many parents don't bother to have most of these discussions with their sons. "Have fun, but don't get her pregnant" seems a pretty common word of advice we remember boys hearing when we were teenagers.<br />
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This morning I decided it was time to give the boys (and men) out there some advice.<br />
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First of all, you need to know that girls want to have sex, just like you do. But we want it for a different reason than you. If you read Genesis, chapter 3, where Eve receives her "punishment" for eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, you see that one of her curses is to desire after her husband. Ingrained in all women, if we are being totally honest, is a desire for the kind of unconditional, deeply-committed love that you ideally get from your husband. Sex, for most of us, is one of the things that feels like that kind of love for us. It isn't hard to get a girl to desire sex with you if she believes you love her with that kind of romantic, til-death-do-us-part love. But, Genesis 3 concludes Eve's curse with "and he will rule over you", meaning that part of our curse is that men use this desire against us to get their sexual needs met without meeting our need for "our husband". By the way, shame on you if you think this is a good thing to exploit.<br />
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With that said, here's what you need to know about being an honorable man who doesn't take advantage of girls.<br />
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Listen, fellas, I want you to know that I'm fully aware of what testosterone is doing to your body right now. It is basically sending you a 24/7 message that you are literally going to perish if you don't have sex RIGHT NOW. You don't even get a break while you're sleeping and are often awakened to the embarrassment of sheets that need to be changed. Girls in tight clothes turn you on, as do girls in baggy clothes. You can't avoid temptation when viewing breasts or legs or feet or shoulders or butts or bellies or any other part of the female anatomy. And it isn't just your fellow teen girls' bodies who are problematic; you might find yourself daydreaming about your not-unattractive geometry teacher's body as she solves proofs on the SmartBoard. Even the most godly, well-mannered teenage boys are daily beseeched by their raging testosterone into thinking about sex all the time. It isn't fair that your body is betraying you like this.<br />
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However, your testosterone serves an important purpose in becoming a productive member of society. Without testosterone pushing you to want sex, you might not care to impress the women around you at all. In fact, you might never get out of your parents' basement without testosterone pushing you to put down the PlayStation controller and doing something to make yourself more attractive to the fairer sex. Your constant desire to have intercourse drives you to shower each day and make yourself smell like something other than rotting onions and spoiled dairy products. It drives you to get a job so you can afford clothes without holes in them (or with holes intentionally in them because it's fashionable right now) -- and probably a form of transportation that can get you to and from your lady friend's house (and your job, of course). Desire for sex drives your desire to make something of yourself so that you can someday take care of your "special friend" and the kids you might someday have together. You can thank testosterone for wet dreams -- but also for the desire to make more of your life than the guy who finished all the levels of Halo.<br />
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With that said, your raging testosterone has the potential to turn you into a predator and you must always live your life with the knowledge that you have the potential to bring harm to others without much effort. The unchecked urge to have sex can cause damage to others and to yourself, so it is critical that you fellas know that up front and don't let your sexual desires control you.<br />
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When I taught my daughters about sexual desire, I compared it to a campfire. Camping in the forest is fun and brings lots of adventures like hiking, fishing and canoeing. At some point, though, night falls and you need to build a campfire to provide light, warmth, and a cooking source. When you build a campfire, it is critical to take extreme caution to keep the fire within its boundaries. If the fire stays where it should, it is a great source of heat for cooking s'mores and keeping you toasty while you enjoy nature. It is when fire escapes the boundaries of the campfire that it does damage. One doesn't have to look far into news archives to find evidence of out-of-control forest fires that have destroyed natural resources and entire neighborhoods. What started as something helpful and good in its rightful place, becomes a thing of terror and destruction when it escapes its boundaries.<br />
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Sexual desire is like that. Within the boundaries of loving marriage, sexual desire is extremely helpful and good. It pushes young people to desire marriage someday and to (hopefully) choose their spouse wisely so they can have a long, happy life together filled with lots of enjoyable sex. Within marriage, sexual desire keeps spouses connected to each other, even when times are tough. It prompts couples to procreate and fill their homes with children who are loved. Sex inside the bounds of marriage is a good and honorable thing which should be desired.<br />
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However, when sex gets outside of the boundaries God designed it for, sex can be physically, emotionally, psychologically, economically, and legally destructive. Young people whose sexual desire pushes them to send "nudes" have found themselves in legal trouble for creating and distributing child pornography. Teenage sex often results in unwanted pregnancies that then force painful and costly decisions upon people barely out of the stage of childhood. Do you keep the baby or have an abortion? What physical and spiritual devastation will last a lifetime following the abortion procedure? If you keep the baby, how does that decision limit the life choices of the baby's teen parents who now will struggle to pay for the child's care while finishing school? Adoption is a lovely option, but leaves emotional wounds behind for both the biological parents and their child. <br />
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These negative outcomes of teen pregnancy are obvious, but less obvious are the emotional wounds left behind by sex. Within marriage, sex makes both partners feel connected in a loving, intimate way that is shared only between two people who are deeply committed to each other. Outside of the commitment and love of marriage, sex leaves behind guilt, shame, and a tattered heart. It isn't just a casual, fun activity like it appears in movies and on TV shows. Sex is an emotionally, physically, and spiritually intimate experience to share with another person and it binds your souls together in a way that no other activity can do. Few people, especially girls, walk away from casual sex without at least a little baggage.<br />
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What all this means, boys (and men), is that allowing your raging testosterone to find "fulfillment" comes at a high price for you and the women you use to satisfy your "itch". You can use testosterone as an excuse to become a sexual-vampire who drains others of their dignity just to satisfy your own thirst -- or you can choose to control what you do with your desire for sex. Look at the women around you as human beings who have hopes, dreams, and a good future designed by God and desire those good things for them. Show that you care what happens to others by refusing to be the one who undermines their plans for the future. The consequences of sex for you are so limited compared to the consequences for your female partners.<br />
<br />
To control your sexual "campfire" means to avoid throwing gasoline onto it. Just like gasoline turns a small fire into a raging inferno, so too there are things that ignite sexual desire into something that is difficult to control. Some examples: pornography, sending or requesting nudes, joking around with other guys about what you'd like to do to girls, substance use (drugs and/or alcohol), allowing fantasies to run wild in your mind, and being alone with a girl in a place where no one will hold you accountable. Any of these things adds fuel to the fire that's already burning inside your teen-libido. Even without help, testosterone is doing plenty to push you to desire sex constantly -- you don't need anything making that worse than it already is.<br />
<br />
Remind yourself daily (or hourly) of these things:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I am a human being with the potential to protect and honor the dignity of others. </li>
<li>I am in control of what I choose to do. </li>
<li>I do not have to ruin a girl's life just to get what will feel good temporarily.</li>
<li>I will not literally die if I don't have sex right now.</li>
<li>My future wife is important enough to me that I will wait for her, even if it is difficult.</li>
<li>I am up to the challenge of keeping my mind pure by avoiding pornography.</li>
<li>I will not degrade another human being by turning images of her body into pornography.</li>
<li>Girls and women have the right to a good future, just like I do, and I refuse to steal that from them.</li>
<li>I am a good person, created by God to do good things, and one good thing I can do right now is to control how I treat others.</li>
<li>I will stand up for what is right and will hold myself and others accountable for how they treat girls/women.</li>
</ul>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-78119110696821045082017-11-29T09:45:00.003-06:002018-02-26T13:38:48.842-06:00What it means when I say I'm a "Christian"<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="1flh4" data-offset-key="27nag-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "SF Optimized", system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span data-offset-key="27nag-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I would describe myself as a Christian. To me that label means that I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a real man who lived 2000 years ago and who was the son of God. His life, ministry, death, resurrection, and lasting influence are documented in the portion of the Bible we call the New Testament. There are a lot of societal expectations of what it means to be a "Christian" and not all of them are accurate expectations for me or any other follower of Jesus. Here's what it means for me: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">First, I'm not perfect. I follow Jesus and try to be like him, but I often fail miserably. I will continue to be a screw-up so long as I live on earth. I'm quick to anger, sometimes snap at my kids, and I have a few "go to" curse words I use. I'm still an INTJ, which means I sometimes think I'm more right more of the time than other people are -- and I'm not always sugary-sweet about it. I have a lot of other flaws: too many to detail here, although many of you probably already know what they are.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Second, being a Christian has nothing to do with my political beliefs. There are some who think that Christians are all Republicans (Hint: We aren't). I am pro-life because I think life begins at conception and that babies who have been conceived deserve a chance at life (which is why I think we need good contraceptive options and lots of training for folks to prevent unplanned pregnancies and why I think adoption is so vital). But I'm not just pro-birth. I'm pro-life for all of life. Jesus came so that we might live abundantly. He doesn't want any of us to live in Hell-on-earth. That means I am mostly opposed to guns, violent video games, militarized police, death penalty, and war because I don't believe God designed us to kill each other. I'm also very opposed to greed that puts money/resources ahead of the rights or needs of other human beings. And I worry that success is measured in the very things that put greed on a pedestal. That means I don't agree with political policies that over-emphasize wealth over the needs of vulnerable people.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Finally, I realize that I don't have it all figured out -- and neither does anyone else. Anyone who thinks they have a 100% handle on God's nature and God's will is wrong. We are human beings and can never grasp the totality of God who is far beyond our limited understanding. That's why it is so important to keep learning though through reading, listening, praying, pondering grappling, and wrestling with the Spirit. And to be humble in our approach to others who are wrestling with their understanding of God.</span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-32698454803385821642017-11-21T10:02:00.003-06:002018-03-07T13:22:27.589-06:00Good Idea, Bad Idea: Sexual Harassment Edition<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="6ac0m" data-offset-key="4t4ii-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span data-offset-key="4t4ii-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I've gotten the sense that some men are freaking out right now about all the men being "outed" as sexual predators (Harvey Weinstein, Bill O'Reilly, Roger Ailles, Al Franken, Donald Trump, Roy Moore, Charlie Rose, etc.). The sentiment among some men is a fear that innocent men are being embroiled in allegations that are unfounded or blown out of proportion. Other men are questioning their interactions with women to divine if they might be accused someday because they once asked a female co-worker out on a date or they once laughed at a male colleague's dirty joke. I've decided that this calls for a little game of "<i>Good Idea, Bad Idea: Sexual Harassment Edition</i>".</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="emdr1-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea:</b> Complimenting your female colleague on her new outfit by saying "You look nice. Is that new?"</span></div>
</div>
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<span data-offset-key="2bahn-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea:</b> Complimenting your female colleague on her new outfit by saying "Wowza. That outfit really shows off all your assets."</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fh435-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="fh435-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea: </b>Upon hearing that your female colleague just received news that her father died, you briefly place a hand on her shoulder and tell her you are very sorry for her loss.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8u8db-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Upon hearing your female co-worker's sad news, offer to give her a long hug where you rub her back (and buttocks).</span><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit; white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px; white-space: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea:</b> Noticing a beautiful woman across the street and quietly admiring her attractiveness.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Noticing a beautiful woman across the street and yelling "Hey, Baby...I'd like to get a piece of that!"</span><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit; white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea:</b> Seeing a woman working out at the gym and leaving her alone because she seems like she is focused on her workout.</span></div>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>B</b></span><b style="font-family: inherit;">ad Idea: </b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Seeing a woman working out at the gym and then making comments about how her workout moves are "making you hot" or suggesting that sex is a great way to burn calories</span><br />
<b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px; white-space: normal;">
<b style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Good Idea: </b><span style="font-family: inherit; white-space: pre-wrap;">Meeting with your female employee over lunch to discuss a new opportunity in the company (just as you did for that little jerk Kevin who has only been with the company for six months). Then spending the lunch hour actually discussing the new opportunity with her, just like you did with Kevin.</span></div>
</div>
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<span data-offset-key="d3qol-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Inviting your female employee to your private office where you plan to offer her the new job -- but only if she gives you a "job" first.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="6n8o0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="6n8o0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea: </b>Being friendly with a female colleague you find attractive and then asking her out on a date if she seems to have mutual feelings. (And then taking "no" for an answer if she turns you down.)</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5nlcr-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Asking your female colleague out on a date and then trashing her reputation at the office to get her fired if she turns you down.</span><br />
<b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit;">Good Idea: </b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Attending an out-of-town conference with a female colleague and respecting her privacy when she is ready to head to her hotel room alone.</span></div>
</div>
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<span data-offset-key="e4ea3-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Attending an out-of-town conference for the express purpose of hooking up with your female colleague.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fhisa-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="fhisa-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea: </b>Having one or two drinks with your date during dinner.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="d5u1j-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Pressuring your date to get so drunk that her defenses and decision-making skills are impaired. (Even worse idea is to slip drugs into your date's drink to ensure she will be too impaired to say "no".)</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="61phh-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="61phh-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea: </b>Treating women with dignity and respect because they are human beings who have rights.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="1ias1-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea: </b>Treating women like live sex toys, because that's how it works in all the pornography you have been viewing.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="ckj1p-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="ckj1p-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Good Idea:</b> Believing women when they tell you they have been assaulted/harassed/abused/raped.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="eqgo3-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea:</b> Paying women off and then having them sign non-disclosure agreements to ensure their silence.</span><br />
<b style="white-space: normal;">-----------------------------------</b><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit;">Good Idea: </b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Telling your male colleagues/friends to knock it off when they are making lewd comments to or about women -- and reporting men who are harassing women, are touching women sexually without consent, are bragging about sexual assault, or anything like that.</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="d78v6-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Bad Idea:</b> Anything less than standing up for what is right. </span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-43222715058508611652017-11-18T14:28:00.003-06:002017-11-18T14:28:53.567-06:00Complimentary, my dear WatsonMost everyone loves to receive a meaningful compliment.<br />
<br />
"I love your new haircut!" is a solid-gold stamp of approval and provides confirmation that we made the right choice at the salon.<br />
<br />
Every budding author longs to hear: "You are a really talented writer. Have you ever thought about writing a book?"<br />
<br />
The boast every employee hopes to receive from their boss is: "Fantastic job on the proposal for the new work project. It is a creative solution that could take this company into the next tier of success!"<br />
<br />
Meaningful compliments carry us up onto the clouds of self-esteem -- we've been seen and we matter. Our work or choices have met with enough approval that the other person chose to shine a spotlight on us with their uplifting words. Who doesn't love the warm glow of someone else's approval?<br />
<br />
In my experience, paying compliments can either be a successful social habit with payoffs well beyond the moment the words are spoken -- or they can a tool of manipulation. There are a few kinds of compliments that have varying degrees of authenticity and success in making the other person feel admired.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>The "Backhanded Insult" Compliment -- Some compliments sound nice on the surface, but are actually kind of insulting. These are the compliments that applaud some change in the hearer while implying some previously-held disapproval they had never shared with you. "You look so great! You've lost so much weight!" is a Backhanded Insult Compliment. While the person dishing out the praise probably means it nicely, it has the unintended outcome of making the hearer feel like they must have been previously viewed by others as unattractive and fat. Another example is one I have loathed at family gatherings before I met my husband: "You're such a pretty girl. I don't understand why no guy has ever married you." I don't think I have to explain how that one feels insulting to the recipient who may not love to have a spotlight shining on their singleness as though it were a tragedy. </li>
<li>The "I'm Tricking You Into Working Harder" Compliment -- I had a boss who employed this habit very heavily. She had a sweet southern drawl and her voice always sounded like it was dripping in honey butter when she spoke. Most people felt very warm toward her and saw her as having a real "way with people". But after only a short while as her employee, I began to notice that she only paid compliments if they were followed by a request to do something. "You're so organized -- probably the most put-together person in our department! I was hoping you would work your magic on the file room." The person receiving this compliment (especially delivered with a Sticky Sweet Southern Drawl) might feel puffed up with pride over a job well-done....until they are neck-deep in the Hell of the file room. There's a reason the boss wanted you to work your magic. No one else would touch that mess with a thousand-foot pole. If you only pay compliments to get others to add to their workload or to volunteer for tasks they might not otherwise have chosen to do, then you might be crossing the line into a manipulative compliment style that will eventually become transparent (and irritating to others).</li>
<li>The "Sleazy" Compliment -- I like to be told that my hair looks nice and compliments about my outfit are always appreciated. However, I don't think I am alone in saying that I loathe compliments that sound as sleazy as catcall. Telling a woman "That dress really makes your assets look like a million bucks" isn't a compliment any woman wants to hear from her boss or her weird uncle or a random dude in the parking lot. If a compliment sounds even a little sexual, it probably shouldn't come out of your mouth unless you already have a sexual relationship with the person you are complimenting. Telling my husband that a pair of jeans makes his butt look sexy is a heckuva lot different than giving the same compliment to the cashier at Target. (Side Note: some BFF's have a relationship that involves this style of compliments, which is totally acceptable given the depth of the friendship).</li>
<li>The "Ramp-Up to Negative Feedback" Compliment -- A few years ago there was a sitcom that featured a character who routinely did the "compliment sandwich" to deliver bad news to others. For instance, when breaking up with a girl this character would start with a compliment, then deliver the one-two punch of the break-up news before ending with another compliment. Here's how it would go: "Holly, you are such a pretty, sweet girl. You deserve someone better than me. I think we should stop seeing each other so you can find someone who really deserves someone like you. Some guy is going to be so lucky to have you as a girlfriend." I find negative feedback really difficult to deliver because I hate disappointing others for fear of ruining the relationship. The Ramp-Up to Negative Feedback Compliment softens the blow and makes it feel less scary to deliver constructive criticism. Plus, if done well, it can strengthen the relationship when the hearer realizes you care enough about them to deliver hard news in a loving way. While no one especially loves criticism, sometimes it is necessary to help us succeed. After all, wounds from a friend are better than kisses from an enemy (Proverbs 27:6 Tina Paraphrase Version).</li>
<li>The "To No One In Particular" Compliment -- In my work history I have had several bosses who routinely utilized this style of adulation. Typically, you only hear this style of compliment in groups. I had one particular boss who rarely handed out individual compliments to anyone. Instead of telling Super-Star Sally that he appreciated her specific, unique contribution in improving something in the workplace, this boss would compliment the whole room of employees during the weekly staff meeting. "Thanks for all you do...<i>every one of you</i>. This company wouldn't be the success that it is without dedicated employees like <i>all of you</i>." Lets be honest, though. Super-Star Sally is probably one of the bright spots on a work team that likely also includes some dead weight like Blathering Bob, Parties-Too-Hard Pat, Twitter-Troll Thomas, and In-Over-Her-Head Irma. Did they deserve to share in the glow of a compliment which really belongs to the one employee in the room who actually works eight hours a day? If you want no one in the room to feel particularly complimented, then you should definitely keep using the To No One In Particular Compliment style.</li>
<li>The "Not Actually True" Compliment -- Every parent is guilty of the Not Actually True Compliment and if you think you're not then all the "amazing art" that's currently lining the bottom of your recycle bin begs to differ. Sometimes we have the best intentions in paying a compliment, but shoot ourselves in the foot by paying a compliment that we don't actually mean. Telling someone that their new haircut looks great on them might seem like the nice thing to do, unless the haircut is the worst thing that you have ever seen. Or telling someone that everyone loves their lime-apple-pumpkin salad is cruel if they ever find out that their "delicious" dish goes straight into the dumpster every time it shows up at the potluck. Pretty soon, folks begin to doubt all compliments they hear from folks who use too many Not Actually True Compliments.</li>
<li>The "Conversation Starter" Compliment -- As an introvert I often find it difficult to initiate conversations with people I don't already know. Over the years, however, I have learned a trick to start a conversation using a compliment. I quickly take stock of the person I need to converse with to see if anything stands out as (a) worthy of a compliment, and (b) something we could talk about beyond the initial complimentary statement. For example, say the person is wearing a cool t-shirt that looks like it might have been purchased while on vacation. I might go in with a compliment about the shirt and then the person might respond with "Thanks. I got it while on vacation in (fill-in-the-blank)." Then the conversation might progress by talking about a shared experience if I have been to the same place or asking questions to get more information if it is a place I have never been. Or let's say that I notice the person is reading a novel that I have read before. I could pay a compliment like "Great choice! I love that book!" Then I could continue the conversation by asking what part of the book they are at or we could talk about the movie adaptation of the book. I have actually taught the Conversation Starter Compliment to children at a school where I worked. It was such an effective lesson that a severely autistic student was actually "caught" by her special needs teacher using a compliment to talk to a peer -- something she had never done before! Because people generally love compliments, this is usually a very successful way to begin conversations.</li>
<li>The "Friendly Quickie" Compliment -- Most compliments are your run-of-the-mill quick sentiments that don't require too much thought or investment. When I worked in school settings, I considered it my main job to encourage others, which means I was a complimenting machine. Teachers (especially "special" teachers like the counselor or art teacher) usually have some sort of duty they have to perform beyond their normal teaching duties. My most favorite duties were the ones that allowed me to greet kids in the morning. I tried my best to say encouraging things to kids as often as possible, which means I was constantly watching out for new haircuts, cute shoes, interesting t-shirts, cool backpacks, nifty show-and-tell items, and other details I could say something about. This is different from the Conversation Starter Compliment in that I wasn't looking to begin a dialogue with these quick compliments. Often these Friendly Quickie Compliments turned my students' tired/bored expressions into smiles that they then carried down the hall. Sometimes, the compliment they received at the door was enough to cause a compliment landslide around the building as kids passed their good feelings onto another kid, which would then spread outward from there. </li>
<li>The "Heart Melting" Compliment -- These are the rarest of compliments and usually the ones that carry the most weight. This is a compliment that is specific and filled with genuine appreciation and admiration. I have had a few students over the years pay me Heart Melting Compliments. I once had a student tell me that she wished I was her mother because I made her feel loved in a way that her own (sadly) neglectful parents didn't. I had another former student tell me that she felt her life was changed for the better when I once mentored her as she prepared to give "sermon" during the chapel service at the Christian school she attended. It boosted her self-esteem and set her on a course of pursuing other ways to use her faith to empower others. These compliments weren't to impress me or win my approval or get me to do something for them -- they were just genuine expressions of their deeply felt admiration.</li>
</ul>
<div>
If you want to be effective at giving compliments that matter, check your Compliment Motive. Are you looking to get something out of the compliment (like getting someone to do a job no one else wants to do)? Or are you looking to bless the other person in a big or small way. If your motive is one of blessing, then get cracking on those compliments because they are a great way to show kindness and spread a little cheer. And, especially for those who need a reliable conversation starter, compliments are also a great social skill to have in your arsenal. Do keep in mind, however, that compliments have to be genuine to be effective. Nothing ruins a compliment like knowing the other person doesn't actually mean it.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-80003173521054996872017-09-26T12:40:00.000-06:002017-09-26T12:40:00.099-06:00Hello Blogging, My Old FriendIt has been a very long time since I wrote a blog post. I wish I could say I've just been too busy living la vida loca to sit down at the keyboard. Certainly, I wish I had some moderately believable excuse to give you. But I don't.<br />
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The honest answer? Well, I didn't write because I didn't have anything positive to say. For a while. I've been in a season of life one could describe as "the doldrums" and it might have even crossed into mild depression for a few weeks. It's time I talked about it and hopefully it will loosen up some bonds that might be holding your head under the water, too.<br />
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The past eight years of our marriage have had us living away from our support network. The first of those eight years was spent in Minneapolis, Minnesota and the rest were spent in the Joplin, Missouri area. After seven years in one area we had put down some roots. We knew most of our neighbors and had a great set of neighbor kids for our girls to hang out with. The house we bought was coming together slowly through renovations and updates. We had found favorite restaurants and had a great network of specialists, like our pediatrician and pediatric dentist. The girls had gotten involved in a homeschool sports league and learning co-op, plus they had friends at church they really love.<br />
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The only thing really lacking was a strong network of friends and family to support my husband and me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There were no nearby grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins to rely on as babysitters. We never really found anyone with whom we could form a close friendship outside of the church. Certainly we had great congregation members who we feel great affection for and who care for us, but those relationships weren't truly free for us as their pastor. Congregation members need their pastor to be strong, holy leaders -- they don't want flawed human beings who struggle sometimes or who occasionally watch PG-13 movies or who cuss a little. We had very few friendships in the Joplin area where we felt safe to express our difficulties or genuine emotions without fear that it might turn into ministry-killing gossip or betrayal.<br />
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The hole in our lives left by a lack of support network left us feeling increasingly strained. We knew that things were changing with our church placement and it looked increasingly like we would be moving away from Joplinland. We began praying that God would open a door that would allow us to be closer to our family and the friends we had from before we moved from the Springfield area. This, we hoped, would give us access to a strong support network and help with some of the emotional strain that comes with being in vocational ministry.<br />
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We found out in March that we were going to be changing churches over the summer and we found out in April exactly where we would be moving. The answer wasn't what we had been praying for. (Yeah, I know...God's answer isn't always "yes").<br />
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Instead of moving closer to family and close friends, we were placed in a small church located in a small town that felt like it was a million miles away from everyone who loves us. When we found out with certainty that we were moving, we had only three months to sell our house and move our entire life three and a half hours north. There was an intense, exhausting push to finish all the renovation projects we had put on the back-burner -- at a cost we hadn't intended to invest all at once. Plus, I spent most of my spare time searching the internet for all the things we would need once we made the move (new pediatrician, new homeschool sports league, etc.). The renovations finally came together with a lot of sweat and a few spousal arguments, but we got our house on the market and got the offer we were hoping to receive.<br />
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The other transition plans, unfortunately, seemed frustratingly stalled. It seemed that no information existed regarding many of the things we needed to know for continuing to teach the girls at home. Where we easily found information about homeschool sports, co-ops, field trip groups, and other support networks in the Joplin-area, none seemed to show themselves in my internet search for our new town. The closest options all involved a 40-minute or more drive.<br />
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In a whirlwind, we made the final moving arrangements, said our goodbyes, packed up our belongings, and the mover drove away with almost all of our earthly possessions. I cried for most of the three-plus hours we drove to our new home.<br />
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The day we moved in to our new home (a church-owned parsonage) brought us into a house that wasn't ours and didn't feel like home. Plus, it was raining non-stop and our moving van couldn't make it up the long, narrow driveway to the house. Every box and every piece of furniture had to come off the moving truck, where each item was tossed in an unloving manner into church member's covered trailer before being transferred up the driveway and into our house. Boxes were varying degrees of smashed as things were hurriedly moved in this helter-skelter way. Several of my belongings were broken in the process and several boxes brought tears as I grieved the loss of some treasure or another (like the coffee mug my late friend had bought me on her trip to Disney the year she was taking chemo and radiation).<br />
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The kick in the gut came in the following weeks as I realized the girls weren't going to have any nearby homeschool support options or other ways to make friends. We decided that this pastoral move was going to be a very lonely one for them if we continued to homeschool, so we made the decision to place them back into public school. All the dreams we had of travel and field trips and things we were going to learn and the wonderful opportunities homeschooling would bring...well, they were dashed, just like those broken possessions I found in my moving boxes.<br />
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All the change, all the disappointments took their toll on me and I began sinking. Everything felt like loss in this move. I stopped sleeping well and was getting only five or six hours of sleep each night. My humor disappeared, replaced with silence as I could think of nothing at all worth saying out loud. Difficult feelings inside my heart and mind made it feel impossible to find anything positive to say to my husband or the girls. Parenting and wife-ing were becoming new sources of disappointment. All I could see was my constant failure at being a human being that anyone would want to be around. I was tired and sad and quick to become angry and even quicker to begin crying over every little thing.<br />
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Heaped upon my sadness was everyone else's happiness, which felt like a mockery of my inability to muster joy. Old acquaintances excitedly made comments like "God is going to do such great things in this new setting!" And people we met in our new town perkily asked questions like "How are you liking our little town?" I couldn't see how anything good was possible under the black cloud that seemed to be sitting on my head and I certainly didn't have anything nice to say in answer to their cheery queries. Everything I said was forced and I felt like I was constantly lying by pasting a smile on my face whenever I was out in public.<br />
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I am mostly out from under the dark cloud and I have found my sense of humor again. I'm writing some curriculum and using my time on creative pursuits while I try to figure out what the new "normal" looks like in our lives.<br />
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I've also done some personal exploration of what might have improved this transition. One pastor's wife I talked to about our move told me "You've got to be made of tough stuff to be a pastor's wife". I'm sure she meant well...or maybe that was just her version of "It is what it is". But, her comment felt like defeat to me. What I really needed someone to validate my feelings of grief and to give me space to have hard emotions about all the loss that was being heaped upon my shoulders. It would have been helpful to see and hear empathy, rather than perky platitudes or comments about the need to "suck it up, Buttercup". I needed to hear someone say "This is a hard thing you're doing. How can I bear some of it with you? How can I support you in this thing?"<br />
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If you are in a church where a new pastor is coming in -- especially if your new pastor is moving from somewhere else on the map -- be careful about your enthusiasm and excitement creating unintended pressure on your new pastor's family. Be sure to check in with your pastor and his family to make sure they are emotionally and socially okay, that they are receiving support as they grieve the loss of their previous setting, friends, school, and other parts of their previous support network. Even changing pediatricians can be challenging, especially if your pastor's child has a special medical need. There are several of the Big Life Change events that your pastor and his family are going through all at once -- new job, new home, new school -- that have to be navigated along with their need to make a good first impression on your congregation and community. Give them space to grieve. More importantly, give them permission to grieve. If God has moved them into your church, then joy will follow them....eventually. Until then, pray for your pastor and his family with their grief in mind and look for ways offer your encouragement and support to ease their stress.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-25594659263501260892017-02-09T11:02:00.000-06:002017-02-09T17:27:00.424-06:00Theology for "dummies" (like me)Confession Time: The past few months have been a struggle for me. I scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook or Twitter and can feel my blood pressure rising. Instead of seeing people's happy life events and funny comments, it seems that too many people are posting articles and comments of a political nature. I, too, have made political posts and comments (since we are being honest here). I don't start out wanting to be political, but I have a hard time not speaking up in response to the strange marriage of American politics with Christian theology that I keep seeing on social media. Those kind of posts send a particular message to the lost -- a message that Jesus only loves certain people. Here is one such post that really got my blood boiling yesterday.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3aeiI4STk66Km85TIopJ9yjCmDG0_UUUnn6VFO7NPnQLKsnWd-3CnN-tYnYZUD7husxVf5hjB3FSaSsx5r7PTpvV1Scq3MApZh9kR7nTr5CgDDALSVYjBYV4X7C10hLNwGjCZNy9dHIpI/s1600/awful+theology.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3aeiI4STk66Km85TIopJ9yjCmDG0_UUUnn6VFO7NPnQLKsnWd-3CnN-tYnYZUD7husxVf5hjB3FSaSsx5r7PTpvV1Scq3MApZh9kR7nTr5CgDDALSVYjBYV4X7C10hLNwGjCZNy9dHIpI/s320/awful+theology.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
The theology of this political meme is that the immigrants being "banned" by President Trump's recent executive order are no different than the people Jesus himself has "banned" from entering Heaven. It imagines that Heaven has a wall to keep certain people out and that there's some extreme process required to get in.<br />
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And I can see where some people might think it's okay to make such a claim, since Jesus said "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me." (John 14:6) It is true to say that you can't get into Heaven without a saving relationship with Jesus. However, it isn't so hard to have a relationship with Jesus as some people seem to believe. In fact, Jesus and the disciples made it clear that Jesus was for all people, not just the Jews who had previously been billed as "God's chosen people". Jesus was for the Gentiles, too (a term which covered all the non-Jewish people). In fact, most of the New Testament was written by a missionary named Paul whose entire ministry was aimed at Gentiles.<br />
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The really great thing about the Bible is that there is a lot to wrestle with. We aren't given cut-and-dry answers to all the big issues. I think that's on purpose so that we will never be content with our existing knowledge of the Bible. God wants us to keep reading it and applying it and wrestling with the nuances and re-applying it...until we die.<br />
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Because it has so many unexplained nuances, there are different ways to interpret Scripture and what it means for Christ-followers.<br />
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One such interpretation of Scripture is called "Calvinism" (named after theologian John Calvin) and rests on five points known as the "TULIP". It says essentially that each of us on earth are totally depraved, meaning that all parts of our humanity are affected by sin and that we cannot, on our own, achieve salvation and oneness with a perfect God. It says that God elected or chose certain people who would have their sinful hearts "softened" to accept the saving message of Jesus. Essentially, Calvinism says that the message of Jesus' grace will be irresistible for those who have been chosen by God to receive salvation. Irresistible, meaning they cannot resist salvation. Even if they tried. And, once a chosen person has accepted salvation, it cannot be lost. Ever. No matter what they do.<br />
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Calvinism is the theology that drives some denominations, like Baptists and Presbyterians. Taken to an extreme, it would be easy to say that certain people have been chosen to receive a special measure of God's grace and that other people are not chosen and it doesn't matter so much what happens to them on planet earth because they're going to Hell someday, regardless. We can easily see this theology play out in politics right now as the Republican party is set on keeping Muslim refugees out of America. In their view, the only thing that can come of such a move would be to spread the blessings (financial comfort, democracy, capitalism) of the elect (American Christians) out toward those who are not chosen (Muslims).<br />
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But Calvinism isn't the only theology out there. Wesleyan Armenian (named after John Wesley and Jacob Armenus) is the theology that says we humans are sinful from birth, but still have a hint of the divine within us -- we are still image-bearers of God. They would say Jesus' grace is for all people, but that God gave mankind free will to choose to accept salvation. In other words, God wants all of his creation to be in a perfect relationship with him, but they have to choose that relationship for themselves, it isn't forced upon them. To put it in dummies-friendly terms, it is like a guy who asks a girl to marry him. He put the offer out there but cannot force her to say "yes" or to actually become his wife. Even if we believe in Jesus' existence, we still have to be in a relationship with him. Wesleyan Armenian theology would say that having a relationship with Jesus can transform us from depraved individuals into people with the potential to become more and more like him as we spend time with him.<br />
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Wesleyan Armenian is the theology that drives the Methodist denomination, among others. This theology would say that all people are potential Christ-followers who deeply need the opportunity to accept Jesus' offer of salvation. In order to accept Jesus' offer, people must first know Jesus and his love so that they will desire to choose -- with their free will -- to be in a relationship with Jesus so their lives can be transformed. A Wesleyan would argue that it's only too late to lead someone to Jesus if they are dead. They would also argue that no people group is off limits with the Gospel (aka: Good News of Jesus) message. Their audience includes people from all walks of life and with all sin backgrounds (including homosexuals).<br />
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Both kinds of theology have Bible verses they use to back up their beliefs. And the people who follow the various theologies are very certain theirs is the correct way to interpret God's word. When they read God's word, their theology is the one that drives their understanding of what the Bible says. It becomes the lens through which they read Scripture.<br />
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In my personal opinion, the heart of Jesus fits better with the Wesleyan theology. I have a hard time imagining that God would create all of humanity, but only choose to have a relationship with some of them. That would be like a parent who has five children but chooses to only love one of them. It is much easier for me to believe that God wants us all to know and follow him -- so much so that he sacrificed his own son (John 3:16) -- but that we sinful humans don't all choose to love him back.<br />
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Because of my own theological choice to follow John Wesley's teaching, I want to do what I can to make sure all people have the opportunity to choose Jesus if they want to. I know that not everybody will, of course, but I want them to know the door is open for them to choose to enter. That means I am not afraid to socialize with Muslim refugees, drug addicts, homosexuals, rednecks, or any other people group who doesn't yet know Jesus as their savior. Someday my love for them and my kind actions might be just the thing that helps those broken, lost friends to walk through the door into a full-fledged relationship with Jesus.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-23409994332865832302017-01-17T19:01:00.003-06:002017-01-17T19:01:59.536-06:00Mis-matched plasticwareA few weeks ago I was cleaning out the church kitchen and found what looked like a garage sale had vomited into the cabinets. There were used disposable plastic trays from a catered event that someone had washed and placed in the cabinet along with a myriad of plastic bowls with no lids and plastic lids with no bowls. There was a broken skillet, a rusty stockpot, and about two dozen spatulas in various stages of having been accidentally melted. It was clear that someone -- or several someones, more likely -- had cleaned out their kitchens to donate all the unwanted items to the church kitchen. This isn't the first time I had seen this kind of has-been kitchen collection in a church. In fact, I would wager that most church kitchens have cabinets full of used items that were donated by well-meaning members who had cleaned out their home kitchens.<br />
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Why is this a problem, anyway? Isn't it nice to donate things to the church? Don't they need plastic bowls and spatulas and other kitchen items? Isn't a used item better than none at all?<br />
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The problem is with the heart of the matter. Why should your church get the useless stuff you don't want? That isn't a sacrifice. Your church deserves the best you have to offer. Jesus offered the best of himself, after all. Why not treat the church building with the same generous spending you would offer to your own home kitchen. Do you have nice utensils to cook with in your own kitchen? Or plasticware with lids? Or cooking pots that are safe to cook with? If it isn't good enough to use in your own home, it doesn't belong in your church. Your church kitchen isn't a reject bin, it's a place where people serve others in the name of Jesus.<br />
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The same can be said with treating the church generously in the area of sharing your finances. The church deserves your first share (or tithe) of financial support, not the $5 bill you happened to remember was in your wallet only after you accidentally made eye contact with the usher. Do you believe in what your church is doing? Do you love your church and does it meet needs in your life and the life of your community? Do you believe that your community is experiencing Jesus through your church? Do you want your pastor doing the work of the church as his full-time job, rather than just speaking on Sundays while he earns a paycheck elsewhere (remember that he and his family have bills, too)? Do you want the church to have working heat, toilet paper, and other amenities when you visit? Running a church requires money. Your money. And it cannot function effectively on your leftovers.<br />
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The church can't fulfill its mission with a bunch of broken-down tools and cannot keep the doors open without an adequate operating budget. Are you giving your best to your church? Or are they getting the secondhand junk you can easily spare?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-36892587874559493612017-01-01T19:25:00.000-06:002017-01-01T21:39:40.494-06:00Meat Loaf and Rick AstleyI'm a child of the 1970's and 1980's. There was a lot to the 70's and 80's culture that should be forgotten and never repeated. However, some of the best songs came out of those decades, like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "Beat It" by Michael Jackson, and "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.<br />
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Two great songs from my childhood have been rumbling around in my brain this week and have inspired some deep thoughts in regards to Christian habits and church commitment.<br />
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The first song that has struck me is Meat Loaf's famous "I'd do Anything for Love (But I won't do that)".<br />
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I recently came across a story in Matthew 19 where a rich man asks Jesus what he has to do in order to gain eternal life. Jesus asked the man a few questions and we learn that the man has led a very well-behaved life. Then Jesus drops the bombshell on the man who thought he had been good enough to earn the "Jesus Stamp of Approval" -- Jesus tells him to sell all of his possessions, give the money to the poor, and only then can he follow Jesus. The man didn't really want to follow Jesus, he wanted eternal life. He wanted the prize! Essentially the man answered: "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."<br />
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The rich man left disappointed because he valued the comfort, security, and enjoyment of his possessions more than he valued the possibility of following Jesus.<br />
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I don't know many rich people and I know even fewer who value their possessions over their savior, so I have never seen this kind of dilemma play out in real life. However, I have seen plenty of people tell God (mostly through their actions) "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."<br />
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What won't they do?<br />
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I would do anything for love but I won't:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Feed myself: in other words, I won't read the Bible or do devotional time on my own.</li>
<li>Talk about my faith, even on social media.</li>
<li>Invite people to my church.</li>
<li>Talk to new people at my church.</li>
<li>Take time out of my week to attend a small group.</li>
<li>Disciple others.</li>
<li>Serve at the church I attend or in the community where I live.</li>
<li>Give financially to my church.</li>
<li>Invite visitors to try my small group or attend special events at my church.</li>
<li>Genuinely love others, including people whose sin looks different than mine.</li>
<li>Forgive others.</li>
<li>Show grace in my words, even on social media (even during an election year).</li>
</ul>
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Rick Astley had a better idea of how to serve Christ in life and at church when he said:<br />
"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down<br />
Never gonna run around and desert you<br />
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye<br />
Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you."<br />
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Imagine if we loved Jesus, our neighbors, our family, and our church the way that Rick Astley sings in this song. Imagine if we never gave up on Jesus or our church, even when we don't love the sermon we just heard or even when we disagree with a leader's decision. Or if we fought to protect our church or pastor's reputation in the community? Or if we refused to give up on the church financially or with our service, presence, or other resources?<br />
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Even though it's challenging, I'd rather live like Rick Astley's song than Meat Loaf.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-32519511919982276342016-12-30T11:21:00.002-06:002016-12-30T11:21:24.543-06:00Studying for a driver's permit<span style="font-family: inherit;">Leading youth at church means that I am usually around for the big teenage milestones, like first boyfriends, prom, and sweet sixteen. Several of my "kids" have recently been studying for their learner's permit, so that's been a hot topic at youth group. These almost-drivers have been studying their booklets from the DMV so that they can pass the permit exam on their 15th birthday. The kids compare notes about which questions they missed on the exam or which concepts they think are the easiest or hardest to remember. It strikes me as amusing how seriously they are taking this whole business, but I guess getting to finally drive a car is a pretty spectacular carrot. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm sure these students will pass their permit tests (eventually) and will follow most of the rules-of-the-road they learned from their DMV booklet. Why? Because refusing to follow the rules could lead to serious consequences like totaling their car, getting seriously injured, or even death for themselves or others. The DMV isn't trying to ruin anyone's fun; they're trying to ensure that the roads are as safe as possible for all drivers and pedestrians.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The same is true for the laws-of-the-land outside of a motor vehicle. Why don't we murder all the people standing in front of us in line on Black Friday? I mean that would get us to the front of the line faster and out of the store with our goodies in record time. But we don't do that because, aside from being morally wrong, we would immediately be arrested and would probably spend the remainder of our days rotting away in jail. The cost is high when we break the laws of our country and most people aren't willing to take such risks. Why do we have these laws anyway? Is it to ruin our enjoyment of life? To keep us from having all we want or need in life? No. The laws in our country are (mostly) to keep society moving along smoothly and providing a (mostly) fair life to its citizens.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If the DMV (which seems filled with unhappy people) and the government (who seem to love taxing the joy right out of our happiness) can create rules that we follow without much complaint, then why is it so hard to accept God's rules just as easily? Why do God's rules for us seem so tempting to break? Why is it so difficult to follow God's expectations?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When God tells us that sex outside of marriage is a bad idea, why don't we believe him? Surely we see the intelligence behind that rule. I mean, two people who save sex for marriage get to avoid unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, guilt, shame, and a whole host of other lousy outcomes. Or how about God telling us not to be gluttons? How do we not see God's protection of our health and happiness by urging us to be healthy and live a life of moderation? Wouldn't we so easily avoid heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and other risks if we avoided gluttony? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why, then, do we cringe a little inside when we see verses like Galatians 5:19-23?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text Gal-5-19" id="en-ERV-28819" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">19 </span>The wrong things the sinful self does are clear: committing sexual sin, being morally bad, doing all kinds of shameful things,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="text Gal-5-20" id="en-ERV-28820" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">20 </span>worshiping false gods, taking part in witchcraft, hating people, causing trouble, being jealous, angry or selfish, causing people to argue and divide into separate groups,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="text Gal-5-21" id="en-ERV-28821" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">21 </span>being filled with envy, getting drunk, having wild parties, and doing other things like this. I warn you now as I warned you before: The people who do these things will not have a part in God’s kingdom.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="text Gal-5-22" id="en-ERV-28822" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">22 </span>But the fruit that the Spirit produces in a person’s life is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="text Gal-5-23" id="en-ERV-28823" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">23 </span>gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these kinds of things.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
Those verses feel itchy and confining; they are seemingly impossible to live up to. Why would God set such a high standard for us?<br />
<br />
As we enter this new year, perhaps it is time to look at God's commands and teachings and see if we are following them the way we follow traffic laws -- or if we put our toes over the lines because we think God doesn't<i> really</i> have our best interests in mind.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-58166407351659004522016-12-02T09:59:00.001-06:002016-12-02T09:59:44.962-06:00American IdolElection 2016 brought Americans an election unlike any other. Modern history has no example of such a contempt-filled, divisive campaign. One unexpected outcome of the election has been the response of the Christian community. In a typical election, issues around abortion and homosexuality generally drive Christians to support the Republican candidate for President, although many Christians are drawn to humane social aspects of the Democratic platform.<br />
<br />
This year, many Christians refused to support the Republican candidate because of his moral character. They looked at his ownership of casinos and strip clubs, his history of affairs and divorces, his participation in Playboy magazine, his vulgar language, and his often-questionable business practices as proof that his character was not only unChristian, but also unpresidential.<br />
<br />
However, many Christians saw this year's Republican candidate as being the only true Christian in the race and believed his promises to bring Christian values back into government.<br />
<br />
Who is correct? Whose position is righteous?<br />
<br />
After the election, many voters celebrated loudly that their candidate won, while protestors took to the streets to lament the outcome of the vote. Voters took to social media to make their feelings known.<br />
<br />
One sad outcome of this election is its effect on relationships well outside Washington D.C. Throughout the election season and after the votes were tallied, many people unfriended and unfollowed their co-workers, friends, neighbors, and family members over political differences.<br />
<br />
Even more tragic is that this election has caused some voters to leave their church because they politically disagreed with their pastor or other congregation members.<br />
<br />
The real tragedy of leaving church over a political leader is that it's quite possible the politician or the political party has become an idol whose importance has been placed above God. Allegiance for the Christ-follower ought to be reserved for the King of Kings, rather than any earthly leader. This world is not our home and no president, king, prime minister, or dictator will ever be our true leader.<br />
<br />
We must live in this world, so we obey the laws of our country and we pray for our leaders, giving what support we can. But once we are placing our elected officials above our Christian leaders or God Himself, then we may have crossed the line into idol worship.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-83357417100122239652016-11-30T09:50:00.000-06:002016-11-30T11:15:29.418-06:00Dealing with the opposition...I have a child with ADHD. Some of her symptoms are what you'd expect, including about one billion cartwheels a day when she's not on medication. She has a few symptoms that are more frustrating, like being oppositional, angry, and difficult to get along with at times. Her unpleasant behavior comes in waves and life with her is like a roller coaster. My child is sweet, loving, helpful, and fun when things are going well; but when she meets resistance all bets are off and we might be met with eye rolls, complaints, tantrums, snippy comments, and refusal to comply. Resistance, in these situations, can be anything from being told "no" to not getting to sit in the chair she wanted to hearing she got the answer wrong on her math assignment. And it doesn't have to be "no" to a large thing. My child gets unduly frustrated over hearing "no" to things she already knows will result in an answer of "no", like having caffeinated soda at night. Some of her behavior seems to be triggered by her ADHD medicine and we are working on getting the type of medicine and dose right to correct this.<br />
<br />
This morning, though, the Holy Spirit gave me a fresh perspective on her behavior. As it turns out, I'm just as oppositional as my child -- and I bet you are, too. I don't throw tantrums when I hear the word "no", but I do get frustrated and sometimes I even complain. When I'm wrong or receive unpleasant feedback, I try to defend myself and find reasons why I'm not really to blame for the problem. Sometimes I even get angry and become sullen in my frustration. I don't act out or yell, but I sometimes struggle to get over my hurt feelings and it affects my ability to be patient, kind, and loving toward others as I lick my wounds.<br />
<br />
My faith life isn't immune to this kind of opposition. I pray for stressful situations I am facing and wait for God to answer. When it seems the answer is "no" or "not yet", I get antsy and then frustrated and then I start to blame God for withholding his blessing from me. Essentially, I behave like a spoiled and petulant child who is demanding her way.<br />
<br />
But what if, like my own parenting of my child, God tells me "no" because what I want could ultimately be harmful and I just don't realize it yet? What if God is rescuing me from my own poor choices and I just can't see it because I don't have his perfect perspective? Surely my heavenly Father -- the one who is in control of the universe -- knows better than I do about what will happen if I plunge headlong into doing things my way. He already knows that his way will work better and save me pain and struggle in the process.<br />
<br />
Perhaps with my child I need to take God's approach. He doesn't force his way onto me. He loves me, even when I am oppositional and full of complaints and he lets me make mistakes when I just can't accept his answer for my life. When the mistake is done and I'm in the midst of a mess, he doesn't sneer "I told you so" or "you should have done it my way". Instead he helps me stand up, brushes the dust off my backside, mends my wounds, and encourages me to try again.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-67285967196747279822016-11-20T12:03:00.003-06:002016-11-20T13:03:16.843-06:00Why short girls date tall menHave you ever wondered why you tend to see couples where the man is over six feet tall and the woman barely cracks the five foot mark? There is a scientific reason behind it that can be found in most kitchens and closets. It's called "the top shelf".<br />
<br />
As a woman who is barely over five feet tall, I struggle to fathom why builders even make top shelves in homes. What's a top shelf even good for? The only purpose a top shelf serves in my house is to give my husband a non-cereal/non-coffee related reason to open the cabinets in our kitchen. "Honey, can you come here and be tall for me?" is a common lament in our house as I see the item I want placed on a shelf that is about six inches beyond my tip-toed reach. I sometimes suspect my husband hides things on the top shelf in our kitchen or closet, things he doesn't want me to know about, like his secret stash of candy bars.<br />
<br />
Things that could be on the top shelf in my kitchen:<br />
<ul>
<li>a million dollars</li>
<li>Jimmy Hoffa's remains</li>
<li>the answers to all of life's great mysteries</li>
<li>the cure for cancer</li>
<li>a treasure map</li>
<li>the lost socks of the world</li>
<li>the portal to another, wonderful dimension</li>
<li>Amelia Earhart's plane</li>
<li>the true identity of Jack the Ripper</li>
<li>Bigfoot</li>
<li>a giant stash of delicious chocolate that magically makes the eater lose weight</li>
<li>my sanity</li>
</ul>
If I wasn't so lazy, I might get the step-stool out to discover just what exactly is stored on the top shelf. Until then, I guess I will have to rely on my tall husband to check it for me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-11262996117921584122016-08-17T20:36:00.000-06:002016-08-17T20:36:57.027-06:00ToxicSeveral years ago I worked in a place where things started to become toxic with the leadership. The person hired as the boss started out great, but it soon became clear her leadership was a pretty facade hiding a not-so-competent interior. Unfortunately, some of her not-so-competence started to become directed toward myself and others I cared about. Things deteriorated quickly.<br />
<br />
I had a group of friends from work who were going through the same thing I was to one degree or another. We couldn't talk at work, but that didn't stop us from talking about it outside of work. Our favorite place to talk was at our weekly Bible study. We started the Bible study with noble enough intent, but as our workplace became toxic, so did our Bible study. It started as praying over our troubling situation, quickly turned into the place where we vented, and our venting swiftly morphed into gossip. I think my friends and I can all look back on that with some regret. At the very least we shouldn't have pretended we were getting together to study the Bible.<br />
<br />
Why bring this up so many years later? I bring it up because I don't think I'm alone in being guilty of this toxic habit.<br />
<br />
I wonder, how often do we get together with our Christian friends and share "prayer requests" that are just thinly-veiled gossip nuggets? I know I certainly have been guilty of talking about someone behind their back under the guise of "Christian concern" and then the conversation moves into tantalizingly-scandalous bits that would hurt the "victim" if they knew others were discussing it.<br />
<br />
It makes me wonder if I'm so unique in my sin of Christian-style gossip. And how much damage does that particular sin wreak on the world? In my situation, I know that our Bible study conversations did damage to all of our relationships with that boss. It was inevitable. There was no way we could talk about her faults and failures outside of that job, but then view her with 100% respect when we saw her the next day.<br />
<br />
When Christian brothers and sisters gather together, our words should be edifying, enlightening, and encouraging -- rather than bent on destruction. Are you in a small group at your church? How much of your Bible study time is devoted -- whether accidentally or intentionally -- to nitpicking the pastor or the church? Do you genuinely pray for your pastor and your church? Are you able to respect your pastor 100% after you've studied God's word together with your church friends -- or has your view been tainted by Christian-style gossip during your small group time?<br />
<br />
Perhaps you, like me, have been guilty of fueling toxic conversations with others from your church. If so, I beg you to repent and change your habit before it hardens your heart. There is no good place for toxicity in a church setting, whether it takes place outside the walls of the church or not. The path of destruction will not only devastate your own relationship with the pastor, but eventually has the potential to decimate the church body like a cancer as your negativity spreads to others.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-30254188330608130762016-07-28T11:08:00.003-06:002016-07-28T11:09:34.183-06:00Jesus is always the answer<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Once upon a time,
I worked as a school counselor at a private, Christian school. I also taught a
Bible class each year. There were always kids in my Bible class who would get
bored and mentally sleep during the lesson. It wasn't that my lesson was boring
(although maybe it was). Rather, these bored kids were usually the ones who
attended a Christian school against their will. These kids had parents who went
to church and had been dragging their kids along for years. But, these kids
didn't buy into their need for faith or learning more about God. They had
prayed a prayer in VBS or children's church and they believed that was the end
of it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Often during
lessons, while these bored kids mentally napped, I would sometimes call on them
to wake them up and get them engaged with the rest of the class. Sometimes I
would ask them a question about what I had just said. I noticed that the answer
I most often got from the bored kids was "Jesus"....even if we had
been talking about a completely different topic. One student gave a follow up
that has stuck with me ever since. He said "Mrs. Miller, 'Jesus' is <i>always</i>
the answer."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">He was trying to
get out of trouble, but he had stumbled across some great theology in the
process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I was thinking about a couple of situations
that have popped up with people in my circle of influence. In both situations,
the person involved is struggling with a big problem….but it is a problem that
keeps circling around them like a vulture. These two, totally-unrelated people
keep encountering the same struggle because they keep doing the same behaviors
over and over. The same behavior keeps leading to the same outcome for them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m a very logical person. If I try something and it doesn’t
work, I analyze what didn’t work and I might try again with a new and improved
approach. Or if I see that the choice was total crap in the first place, I
don’t try it again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you keep failing in relationships? What are you doing
that isn’t working? Are you choosing the same kind of people each time? Are
these people unhealthy? Are you? Have some negative characteristic that makes them (or you) difficult to live with? When you dream about what you want in your future
relationship, are you picking people who fit that dream? Or are you picking
people who are emotionally unavailable, addicted, abusive, lazy, or just
plain-old jerks? I see so many people sabotaging their own happiness by
selecting relationships with the wrong people; and when that relationship
fails, they hit the repeat button and do it all over again with another wrong
person.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or maybe you keep failing over and over in your career? I
once knew a woman who had been fired at least five times from different jobs.
Each time she would complain about this boss or that co-worker who was
“impossible” to deal with or had “unrealistic” expectations of her.
Unfortunately, she was the common denominator in all her own failures. She was
the one who was impossible to deal with. She was the one who had unrealistic
expectations of what would be expected of her at her job. Is that you? Do you
keep making the same mistake in choosing jobs that don’t fit? Or making the
same mistakes in how you treat your boss or co-workers? Guess what? The same
thing will keep happening if you don’t make adjustments or corrections.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps your failure keeps happening with your unhealthy
choices. Are you trapped in behavior that is harmful, like drinking too much?
What keeps you in that choice? Is it the friends you hang out with? Do they
like hanging out with getting drunk as the main activity you do together? If
you want to make a new choice – a choice to stay sober – then you might need
some new friends who aren’t keeping you trapped in the old behavior. Same goes
for drugs, eating too much, spending too much, or any other unhealthy behavior.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of these things involve making different choices. But
those choices get a lot easier when we are walking with Jesus. When we are
focused on growing in the fruits of the Spirit, reducing our negative behaviors
gets a lot easier. We don’t need to jump from unhealthy relationship to
unhealthy relationship when we are satisfied in our relationship with Jesus and
have a Godly relationship as our standard. We treat our relationships with
genuine love, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and all the rest. When we
display the fruits of the Spirit, we are better employees and co-workers
because we are patient, kind, and have self-control. The fruits of the Spirit –
growing to be more like Jesus – also help with unhealthy choices. When we see
ourselves like Jesus does, we want to live up to that image. Jesus didn’t make
us to be trapped in a prison of addiction – he made us to truly live in freedom!
Jesus really <i>is</i> the answer to all questions! <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-6254450463283058872016-06-10T11:01:00.000-06:002016-06-10T11:01:02.540-06:00I didn't ask for that...and neither did she<div class="MsoNormal">
This issue of rape has been all over the news lately due to
an outrageously short sentence for a college student convicted of sexually
assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. The backlash on all sides of
the case ranged from angry to just plain crazy. Some accused the boy of having
“white privilege”, getting a light sentence because of his race and status as
an athlete. Others accused the judge of giving favor to a student from his alma
mater. The tragic thing is how the victim was treated in many online comments
and posts, as if her level of drinking makes it impossible to believe that she
was truly assaulted, as if her choice to consume alcohol makes her as guilty of
crime as her attacker. Too often, rape is written off by investigators, prosecutors,
and the world at large all because of some choice by the victim. If a girl
wears a short skirt or flirts or gets drunk, then she’s somehow asking for
sexual contact, even if she says “no”, even if she is unconscious, or even if
she fights back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel very strongly about this case. When I was a child,
maybe nine years old, we went to visit some friends of my parents. They had a
fifteen-year old son. While my parents visited for what seemed to be hours, my
brother and I were left to entertain ourselves. Their son, we’ll call him
Ralph, had a TV and Atari in his room, complete with lots of games. Even though
we begged our parents for one, we didn’t have our own Atari. Instead we had
some knock-off game system that came with very few game options. We were
thrilled with the chance to play Atari while we waited for my parents to finish
talking.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My brother is older, so he got to play first. As I recall,
Ralph was a bit of a show-off and trash-talked throughout their games. It was
hardly a fair fight, he was older by several years and had been playing these
games all to himself for weeks or months. It didn’t take long for my brother to
get tired of losing to such a poor sport, so he left the room to entertain
himself elsewhere. I was left in the bedroom with the fifteen year old to have
my turn at the Atari. I couldn’t wait! Even though I knew I would lose, I was
excited to have a chance to try it out for the first time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead of getting to play, however, Ralph took the
controller out of my hand and pushed me onto the bed. I tried pushing him off
and he said “You know you want it. Why else would you be here?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a bit more struggle, I managed to get away from him
and to the safety of my parents. Here’s the thing: I didn’t “ask for it”. I was
a child who wanted to play with some video games, just like my brother had done.
No one tried to assault him. No one accused him of “asking for” a fearful
experience. We both wanted to play with the video game system. He wanted to
play and I wanted to play. That’s why we were hanging out with Ralph. Our
motives and interests were equal. Our respective genders didn’t make my motives
sexual as opposed to my brother’s non-sexual motive.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The same is true for a woman who goes to a bar or party to
have drinks and fun with friends. Her choice to go to a place where alcohol is
being served and her choice to drink doesn’t mean she’s “asking” for sex or that
she is somehow just as guilty as her attacker. Men who go to a party or a bar
and drink aren’t asking for someone to attack them. Why, then, do men get a
free pass to drink and have fun, but a woman is expected stay sober enough fend
off her attacker or to make sure she will have a strong legal case, just in
case she’s attacked? That’s absurd!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Women shouldn’t have to be afraid of men. Just because we
are a smaller and (often) physically weaker gender isn’t an excuse for men to
take advantage of us – or for society to enable their crimes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Ralph, the boy who tried to take advantage of me, had the
idea that I was “asking for it”, just because I was in his room. Where would he
get an idea like that? Too often boys are encouraged to “get some action” or
“get lucky”. The message too often is “’Yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘yes’
if you can change her mind.” Boys learn to push past girls’ boundaries to see
how far they can go, even if she has expressed her desire to stop. When that
behavior is fostered or encouraged (like through locker room talk or a dad who
gives his son an “Atta boy”), it is no wonder when young men feel emboldened to
find easier ways to get their sexual desires fulfilled…like a party where women
are drinking a lot and having fun. A drunk girl shouldn’t be viewed as a “sure
thing” -- and a drunk girl definitely shouldn’t be viewed as any less of a
victim. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-68992244421704191132016-05-18T10:46:00.001-06:002016-05-18T10:48:37.188-06:00What just happened???I'm 42.<br />
<br />
What's worse, I've discovered that I am just as old as those people I thought were older than me. A lot older.<br />
<br />
When did that happen?!<br />
<br />
Lots of people my age seem so mature and grown-up. They have children who are full-fledged <i>adults</i>. Some of them even have <i>grandchildren</i>. If I hadn't waited so long to get married then I, too, could be a grandparent. I used to think that the only people my age who had grandchildren were the ones who got pregnant in high school and then had kids who also got pregnant in high school. But that's not the case anymore. There are people <i>my age</i> who got married and had kids and now their kids are old enough to be married with children. I don't feel old enough or mature enough for that to be possible!<br />
<br />
Those of you reading this might find me ridiculous, but this revelation has boggled my mind lately.<br />
<br />
Just this week I was talking with a co-worker who I thought was older than me....but she graduated just one year ahead of me. And then there's that other co-worker seems so much more mature than me, but she and I are exactly the same age. When problems arise, I start looking around for a grown-up to handle it...and then I realize the grown-up is me! When did that happen?<br />
<br />
Mentally I'm still in my early 30's. I don't want to be in my 40's with a slow metabolism, worrying about things like blood pressure and cholesterol. I want to be planing my next adventure, not worrying about paying off my mortgage and stressing over retirement plans. I'm not ready for this to be the phase of life I'm in. I don't want to be this grown-up!<br />
<br />
Young people, enjoy your youth as long as you can. Stop calling yourself fat because you're probably a size four and you'll never look this good again. Get out there and enjoy that smooth, firm skin while you can, because pretty soon it is going to start sagging and drooping in a really depressing way. Before you know it you'll realize that the person you thought was so old is actually your reflection in the mirror. And for gosh-sakes go put on some sunscreen while there's still time!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-87909418855049566172016-02-19T18:01:00.001-06:002016-02-19T19:17:27.132-06:00Meet Cute…..or is it?If you are a fan of romantic comedies, you are probably familiar with the term "Meet Cute". It is one of those impossibly charming situations where two fated strangers meet for the first time in a humorous or adorable way before later falling in love. For example, the two future loves bump heads when they simultaneously reach for the same dropped handkerchief. Or maybe both reach for the same cup of coffee at exactly the same moment and sparks fly as their fingers meet. Whatever the situation, the movie leads you down a path of love with the two characters who experienced the aforementioned Meet Cute.<br />
<br />
I would like to set the record straight on some situations that are most assuredly <i>not</i> a Meet Cute. For example, stalking. Under no circumstances does stalking ever qualify as a Meet Cute. I don't care how romantic it looked when Lloyd Dobler was lurking outside Diane's window with that boom box in "Say Anything". This is not an appropriate way to find love. People don't like it. It's weird and creepy, so don't do it.<br />
<br />
You know what also isn't a Meet Cute? One night stands. Same goes for date rape.<br />
<br />
Fellas, listen closely: girls don't like to be raped. It isn't romantic to be taken on a date and then forced to do something we don't want to do. No means no and stop means stop. It isn't cute to push past our boundaries just because you are stronger than we are or because you think you deserve it. We also don't like being taken advantage of when we're too drunk to give a reasonably well thought-out answer. We sure don't like waking up in the morning with a headache and finding out that we had intercourse we don't remember…and that we don't remember agreeing to have. It doesn't matter how we are dressed or how provocatively we are behaving; if you can tell we are drunk then you shouldn't move forward with sex. In the best case scenario you will be remembered as a sad regret. The worst case scenario is where we remember and refer to you forever as "that guy who raped me". That's not cute. Or sexy. In fact, that's what most people would refer to as "a crime". <i>If</i> that is your idea of a Meet Cute, then you need to walk away from your computer because you clearly have begun to believe what pornography is selling you, because pornography is probably the only place where rape is depicted as romantic.<br />
<br />
And now for the ladies…<br />
<br />
Okay, girls, it's time for you to take a long, truthful look at yourself in the mirror. What are you hoping to see in the relationships you are pursuing? Are you looking for true love? Someone to love and cherish you? If you are putting on your shortest skirts and skimpiest shirts to find true love at a bar or club, then you are going to be disappointed. You'll be especially frustrated in your quest for love if you think you'll find it in a one night stand. Guys don't have one night stands with the girl they want to marry. And even if they did, is that really the way you want to remember your love story?<br />
<br />
<b>Grandchild:</b> Grammy, tell me about how you and Grandpop met.<br />
<b>You:</b> Well, I was looking for love so I put on my shortest skirt and my skimpiest top.<br />
<b>Grandchild:</b> Grammy, YOU wore an outfit like that?!<br />
<b>You:</b> Believe it or not, kid, Grammy's cans used to sit on the top shelf…<br />
<b>Grandchild:</b> Huh?<br />
<b>You:</b> I was quite the looker back in my day. Anyways, so I got all dolled up and went to my favorite bar so I could find someone to hook up with. Your Grandpop bought me a drink and then another and before you know it we were both three sheets to the wind. I don't remember much else about that night except that I never could find my underpants.<br />
<b>Grandchild:</b> Ewwww….<br />
<b>You:</b> Your Grandpop and I didn't see each other again until that fateful day when we both showed up at the student health center at the same time to be treated for the same STD. The rest is history!<br />
<br />
Girls, this scenario isn't a Meet Cute. It's also not a Meet Cute to be so wasted that you are no longer aware of your surroundings and can no longer protect yourself. You never know which guys are looking to live out some rape fantasy, so you've gotta be ready to look out for your own safety.<br />
<br />
The moral of the story is this: If you are looking for love, you won't find it with meaningless (or unwanted) sex. So go put on some respectable clothes and head to the coffee shop or bookstore or church where you have a realistic chance of having a genuine Meet Cute with someone whom you might actually want to know for more than one night.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-41835102122982309612016-02-11T20:05:00.001-06:002016-02-11T21:20:14.944-06:00Pastor's wife…..or sailor?I'm a pastor's wife. I love Jesus. But I also love to cuss. Now, I don't cuss all the time. In fact, I don't even cuss most of the time. Occasionally, however, a <i>dirty</i> word is the the <i>right</i> word.<br />
<br />
I've loved dirty words since I was a child. As kids, my brother and I were allowed to use curse words, but only in their proper context. Like we could use the word "damn" in pretend cursing but we could only do it if we were driving by a lake with a dam. Or we could use the word "ass", but only if we were referring to an <i>actual</i> donkey that was nearby. I think my parents knew they couldn't really argue the point that those words were inappropriate for the situation, plus they seemed to find our enthusiasm to be hilarious.<br />
<br />
As I got older, cursing was my one area of rebellion against the adults in my life. I was too pragmatic and moral to drink, smoke or have sex outside of marriage. I'm an adult and I still don't do any of those things. I don't even drink coffee or enter buildings through the exit door. Cussing privately or with my closest friends is my one tiny area of being a "bad girl".<br />
<br />
And let's be honest here…sometimes, curse words are the only words that fit a situation. For example, the boy who cruelly breaks my daughter's heart is most certainly a "jackhole". No one will convince me otherwise. Or think of how you feel when you get all the way to work and realize you've left your lunch sitting on the counter at home. It feels good to yell something at your own forgetfulness. Try it. Yell: "Son of a biscuit!" It feels good, doesn't it? And don't pretend you don't have a go-to curse word when you stub your toe or smash your finger with a hammer. We all do, even if we don't say it out loud. Sometimes my husband and I even jokingly come up with socially-appropriate curse words to use in public. We both like "Nottafinga!", which is the nonsensical word uttered by Ralphie Parker's dad in "A Christmas Story".<br />
<br />
Some people might find this all inappropriate, especially for a pastor's wife. When I was a young Christian, God promised me that I didn't have to be perfect to be used by Him. I remember that conversation with God vividly. It was shortly after a missionary visited our church for her annual support-raising tour. She was the kind of person who could make even Pollyanna look like Grumpy Cat. That missionary was chipper and cheery and smily and it seemed from her stories that every conversation she ever had with anyone ended with them turning their lives over to Christ. I half-imagined her sharing Jesus with her gynecologist during a pap smear. Her level of cheerfulness came across to me as impossible. If that's what it meant to follow Jesus, then I couldn't do it. And I didn't want to do it. As lovely of a person as she was, I didn't want to be like her because that simply wasn't <i>me</i>. And as I struggled with my faith in the days that followed her visit to my church, I remember God telling me that He was calling me to be like Jesus, not like that perpetually smily missionary.<br />
<br />
I opted instead for embracing my quirky sense of humor. Instead of perfection, I minister best by being real and approachable with my foibles and failings. The occasional curse word or sarcastic joke is proof that I'm no different than anyone sitting in the congregation who might be struggling -- and they know I'm not going to meet their struggle with judgement or scorn. Judge my potty mouth if you must, but I doubt that will be at the top of God's list on Judgement Day.<br />
<br />
And please note that this isn't for everyday, all-over-the-place conversations. I reserve my potty mouth for just the right situations and people. I suggest you think hard about your audience before you take on a sailor's tongue.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-20797366546787247292015-12-29T11:42:00.001-06:002015-12-29T11:42:58.433-06:00The "F" Word"Forgiveness". One of those words that is easy to say, but difficult to do.<br />
<br />
The holidays bring about a lot of opportunities to practice forgiveness. Thanksgiving and Christmas involve encounters with people you successfully avoid the rest of the year. The holidays return us to our hometowns and put us right in the path of family members or others who may have wounded us. We take a deep breath as we cross into territory we had hoped to leave behind and we feel all those old feelings as if they were fresh.<br />
<br />
I don't generally tell my story, but I think it will help illustrate the point I hope to make.<br />
<br />
The first two decades of my life were spent living in one small, rural town. It is the kind of town where everyone knows everyone else and your secrets don't stay secret for very long due to the local grapevine. My small town always felt a little itchy and uncomfortable, like a pair of hand-me-down shoes that are too small but you have to wear them anyway.<br />
<br />
Life was pretty good for me until the fifth grade. Developmentally speaking, fifth grade is one of the hardest years for most girls. It is the transition period between childhood and the tween years. Interests change from playtime to "being cool". Friendships change, too. Gone are the days of playing with just about anyone; ushered in are the days of clamoring for "BFF's". Children mature at different rates and some kids get left behind in childhood as others lord their coolness over the rest of their tween peers.<br />
<br />
In fifth grade I didn't feel that different from everyone else in my class. I didn't realize that it wasn't cool to enjoy learning and reading. It didn't yet cross my mind that my secondhand clothes and the stuff my mom sewed were inferior to the store-bought clothes of the cool kids. I had my group of friends who had always been my friends and I didn't notice that we were starting to become the butt of jokes.<br />
<br />
One girl in particular rose to leadership of the popular kids that year. I will call her "Queenie". There was nothing special about her other than her last name. Her family was one of the largest families in our town, with lots of cousins littering the ranks of our class and the grades above and below us. Queenie wasn't especially pretty or funny or talented, but she was powerful. This girl was the puppet-master of our class. She decided who was "in" and who was "out". I was <i>always</i> out. What is worse, Queenie so despised me that she wouldn't allow anyone from the popular group to even speak to me. If they were caught being remotely respectful or kind toward me, then they were out, too. She was unforgiving in her resolve to make sure that I was forever an outsider. I spent the entire fifth and sixth grade trying desperately to right some mysterious wrong I didn't know I had made. To this day I have no idea why Queenie loathed me so thoroughly.<br />
<br />
As we grew older, her hatred continued but her influence waned slightly. My classmates became more comfortable making their own social choices and I even became friends with a couple of the popular girls. Even still, Queenie's early hatred left me on the blacklist in the minds of many kids in our class, which left me vulnerable to cruel comments and missed social opportunities. I vividly remember a day when I was wearing one of my favorite outfits. It was a store-bought outfit I had chosen for myself. I loved that outfit and felt beautiful wearing it. Plus, it was a style that was in current fashion -- not something off the 90% off rack at the discount store. One of Queenie's friends noticed my confidence and said "Why are you wearing <i>that</i>? Don't you know how ridiculous you look?"<br />
<br />
Another day a group of Queenie's popular friends decided it was time to harass me about my social life. As the child of two alcoholic grandfathers who had ruined their lives and died young, I chose not to drink. That meant I generally avoided parties full of my drunken classmates. "How often do you party?" asked the star athlete of our class.<br />
<br />
"What do you mean?" I replied.<br />
<br />
"I never see you at parties. That must mean you never party. Don't you <i>ever</i> go out?" he sneered.<br />
<br />
"I go out. I have a social life. I just don't need to get drunk to do it."<br />
<br />
Unsatisfied with my answer he pushed, "So, how many times do you go out? You say you have a social life…so how many times have you gone out? Why don't you count it up for us? I don't think you mean it. I don't think you have a life at all."<br />
<br />
And he continued to push like that until I finally walked away in tears.<br />
<br />
After high school graduation I chose to walk away from my hometown. I go back periodically because my family still lives there, but I have no ambition to live there again. When I drive back into my old zip code, I feel anxiety well up in my soul. Those old memories come to the front of my brain and shove out all the confidence I have gained in my adult life. Suddenly I find myself transformed into that girl who was being mocked for wearing her favorite outfit. It is hard to see past the anxiety I feel to see anything else. I begin dreading encounters I might have with old classmates, even though they have most likely grown up and grown out of their meanness.<br />
<br />
Despite how it sounds, I have forgiven Queenie and her cronies. My forgiveness doesn't change what happened in the past. Those memories still reside in my brain. Forgiveness also doesn't make me eager to repeat the past by giving Queenie or anyone else the opportunity to replay those terrible moments. I have grown up and embraced who God created me to be and the friends who love me for it. There is no need to go back to win over those people from my past who inexplicably loathed me way back when.<br />
<br />
Forgiveness is a state of my own mind and heart -- not a condition of the present or future circumstances in which I choose to place myself. Were you abused or neglected as a child? Forgiving your abuser doesn't mean you put your safety in the hands of that person again. Or maybe it was rape. Forgiving the rapist doesn't mean you need to go on a date with him again to show that you've forgiven the past. Of course not!<br />
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For many of us, the holidays involve placing ourselves in the direct path of someone who has harmed us in the past. Maybe it was a relative who abused you and left emotional scars that exist to this day. Forgiveness releases you from the burden of anger you bear toward that person, but it doesn't mean you need to allow the abuse to continue in the future. Protect yourself. Stay close to people you trust to keep you safe. Walk away from the abuser if he or she attempts to corner you. Call them out for their harmful behavior and let them know you won't accept it anymore. None of those means of protection take away from your choice to forgive -- it just means you are using the brain that God placed in your head. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-20663685158109436202015-12-05T20:33:00.004-06:002015-12-05T21:53:29.862-06:00Public Service Announcement to all you Soon-to-be-GroomsPublic Service Announcement to all young (or old) men who are planning to get married: Unless your soon-to-be-bride has a super fun-loving, playful personality and really enjoys practical jokes, she is probably not going to enjoy having cake smashed in her face during the reception.<br />
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Here's the thing, if you are really paying attention to the process of planning the wedding and the preparation on the day of the ceremony, you probably know that your fiancé has spent a LOT of time and money on the wedding. Her goal, aside from marrying you, is to have a day full of memories she will carry for the rest of her life. She wants to look the best she ever has or ever will look. On the day of the wedding she will likely spend hours perfecting her hair and make-up and donning a dress that cost her (or her parents) hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. There will be a photographer and maybe even a videographer capturing every moment so that she (and maybe even you) can enjoy the memories for the <i>rest of your life</i>.<br />
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Smashing cake in her face after she has gone to all that expense and time is just plain disrespectful -- and honestly pretty immature. And it means that for the rest of the night this beautiful woman -- whom you just vowed to love, honor and cherish, by the way -- will be worried about how bad her make-up might be smeared or thinking about icing that might be stuck in that hairstyle she spent so much money on earlier in the day.<br />
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Plus, that little moment you think will be SO hilarious will likely leave her feeling at least a little resentful toward you even though she will put on a good face on it in front of all those wedding guests. She may act as though she is laughing it off, but inwardly your choice will have pricked a hole in the lovely romance bubble she should be enjoying on your wedding day together.<br />
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Don't do it. Just. Don't.<br />
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And to you pastors out there, you should probably include "The Cake Smash Tradition" in the pre-marital counseling to make sure both parties are <i>extremely</i> clear on what should -- or shouldn't -- happen on the wedding day.<br />
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The End.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2033133971662703736.post-41051609664993265652015-11-07T10:05:00.000-06:002015-12-29T16:00:58.277-06:00Your pastor's wife is probably not on the payroll<div style="background-color: white; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Several years ago, my husband and I interviewed with a church who was looking for a new pastor. Before the service began, one of the church ladies had the following conversation with me --</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Lady: Would you like to play a "special" on the piano?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Me: I don't play piano…never could get the hang of it.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Lady: Well, we have an organ, too, if you would rather play that.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Me: Oh, gosh, I don't play that either.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Lady: You could always sing a special. Would you like to do that?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Me: Trust me, you don't want me to sing in front of your church.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Lady: Well then, what exactly DO you do?</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">It was obvious that she believed a pastor's wife should be able to play piano or sing or, even better, sing while playing piano. I guess I'm just not that kind of pastor's wife.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #141823;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">I</span></span><span style="color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 19px;">'ve recently been thinking about the role of pastors' wives in the church. Some churches have a very healthy view of the pastor's wife. She may be treated just like any other congregation member, with freedom to choose when/where/how she serves in the church. Other churches treat the hiring of the pastor as a two-for-one bargain -- one salary for two employees. This approach often leads to frustration and burnout on the part of the unpaid but over-worked spouse, along with resentment toward the church. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here are some questions to ask yourself if you want to build freedom for your pastor's family:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What are the roles our pastor's spouse currently fills?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Is she doing more than what would be expected for an average church attendee?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Is she serving in an area of interest or gifting -- or is she plugging holes that others don't want to fill?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does she feel appreciated and encouraged? Or is she treated like an employee of the church?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How many Sundays each month does the pastor's spouse miss some or all of the worship service due to her ministry "requirement"?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does your pastor's wife have the freedom to miss church periodically for her own sickness or mental health?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, does your pastor's wife have the freedom to say "no" to tasks -- without anyone looking down on her or speaking poorly of her to others?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is easy to take advantage of a pastor's wife. She is a support to her husband and may have vital skills that complement his ministry. However, if a church demands too much or dumps all the unpleasant tasks on the spouse, it is a recipe for burnout. And, as I like to tell my children often, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Burnout for the pastor's wife will spill over into his own feelings of pastoral satisfaction. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Remember to pray for your pastor and his family. They aren't paid staff and may not be excited about all the ways that the church affects their family life. For most jobs, work can be left at the office, but a pastor is a pastor all day, every day. Those prayers (and some consideration of their needs as a family) go a long way.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0