I didn't ask for that...and neither did she

This issue of rape has been all over the news lately due to an outrageously short sentence for a college student convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. The backlash on all sides of the case ranged from angry to just plain crazy. Some accused the boy of having “white privilege”, getting a light sentence because of his race and status as an athlete. Others accused the judge of giving favor to a student from his alma mater. The tragic thing is how the victim was treated in many online comments and posts, as if her level of drinking makes it impossible to believe that she was truly assaulted, as if her choice to consume alcohol makes her as guilty of crime as her attacker. Too often, rape is written off by investigators, prosecutors, and the world at large all because of some choice by the victim. If a girl wears a short skirt or flirts or gets drunk, then she’s somehow asking for sexual contact, even if she says “no”, even if she is unconscious, or even if she fights back.

I feel very strongly about this case. When I was a child, maybe nine years old, we went to visit some friends of my parents. They had a fifteen-year old son. While my parents visited for what seemed to be hours, my brother and I were left to entertain ourselves. Their son, we’ll call him Ralph, had a TV and Atari in his room, complete with lots of games. Even though we begged our parents for one, we didn’t have our own Atari. Instead we had some knock-off game system that came with very few game options. We were thrilled with the chance to play Atari while we waited for my parents to finish talking.

My brother is older, so he got to play first. As I recall, Ralph was a bit of a show-off and trash-talked throughout their games. It was hardly a fair fight, he was older by several years and had been playing these games all to himself for weeks or months. It didn’t take long for my brother to get tired of losing to such a poor sport, so he left the room to entertain himself elsewhere. I was left in the bedroom with the fifteen year old to have my turn at the Atari. I couldn’t wait! Even though I knew I would lose, I was excited to have a chance to try it out for the first time.

Instead of getting to play, however, Ralph took the controller out of my hand and pushed me onto the bed. I tried pushing him off and he said “You know you want it. Why else would you be here?”

After a bit more struggle, I managed to get away from him and to the safety of my parents. Here’s the thing: I didn’t “ask for it”. I was a child who wanted to play with some video games, just like my brother had done. No one tried to assault him. No one accused him of “asking for” a fearful experience. We both wanted to play with the video game system. He wanted to play and I wanted to play. That’s why we were hanging out with Ralph. Our motives and interests were equal. Our respective genders didn’t make my motives sexual as opposed to my brother’s non-sexual motive.

The same is true for a woman who goes to a bar or party to have drinks and fun with friends. Her choice to go to a place where alcohol is being served and her choice to drink doesn’t mean she’s “asking” for sex or that she is somehow just as guilty as her attacker. Men who go to a party or a bar and drink aren’t asking for someone to attack them. Why, then, do men get a free pass to drink and have fun, but a woman is expected stay sober enough fend off her attacker or to make sure she will have a strong legal case, just in case she’s attacked? That’s absurd!

Women shouldn’t have to be afraid of men. Just because we are a smaller and (often) physically weaker gender isn’t an excuse for men to take advantage of us – or for society to enable their crimes.

Ralph, the boy who tried to take advantage of me, had the idea that I was “asking for it”, just because I was in his room. Where would he get an idea like that? Too often boys are encouraged to “get some action” or “get lucky”. The message too often is “’Yes’ means ‘yes’ and ‘no’ means ‘yes’ if you can change her mind.” Boys learn to push past girls’ boundaries to see how far they can go, even if she has expressed her desire to stop. When that behavior is fostered or encouraged (like through locker room talk or a dad who gives his son an “Atta boy”), it is no wonder when young men feel emboldened to find easier ways to get their sexual desires fulfilled…like a party where women are drinking a lot and having fun. A drunk girl shouldn’t be viewed as a “sure thing” -- and a drunk girl definitely shouldn’t be viewed as any less of a victim.