My broken biological clock
Something that has been surprising about the adoption process: apparently, when you choose to adopt, your choice has a strange effect on the people around you. Some people hear that we're adopting and immediately start singing our praises, using words like "amazing" or "so generous". I don't think what we're doing is necessarily amazing. If you must know, I think it's amazing that any woman can go through nine months of morning sickness and pregnancy discomfort followed by the horrendous act of pushing a giant baby head out of a tiny vaginal opening -- and many of these women choose this option multiple times to create their family. You know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me"? Yeah, I pretty much can't believe women choose to have biological children more than once. That qualifies as amazing in my book.
Other people, upon hearing we plan to adopt, get a particular look on their face. Something of uncomfortable confusion mixed with pity. I think these folks assume we are adopting because we can't have children of our own. I have no desire whatsoever to have biological children. You know how some women talk about their biological clock? They have some innate desire to feel a baby inside their womb. My clock must be broken because I have none of that desire within myself. While I want children, I don't need to give birth to be able to enjoy them. They don't need to look like me and they sure as heck don't need all my genetic quirks to drag them down in life. Who knows? Maybe my children would enjoy having skin that is some color other than fluorescent white or pink. Maybe they'd like to be taller than 5'1".
While we are on the topic of people reacting with pity, let's be clear about something: I'm not infertile. Joe is not infertile. We could probably have lots of babies the "old fashioned way" if we wanted to. But we don't. Yes, you read that correctly. We are choosing to adopt our children. It is our first choice, not some alternative we are "stuck with" because we have no other options. In fact, I have wanted to adopt my children since I was 12 years old. No exaggeration. I literally decided way back in 1985 that I would be adopting my children. Somehow back then I learned about kids in foster care and orphanages, wonderful kids who were languishing in "the system" for years and years, only to grow up to become horrible statistics of how the system failed them. I personally do not want to add more kids to the world when there are already so many great kids waiting for parents to choose them. For some people adoption is a second choice due to fertility issues. Regardless of how people arrive at the decision to adopt, it is a brave and wonderful choice and not something to pity.
And while I'm on this soapbox, when someone talks about their choice to adopt, please refrain from giving the horror story you heard from a friend of a friend's cousin's mother. Sure there are terrible, challenging adoption stories out there....just as there are terrible stories of biological children who have been horribly challenging to parent. I know many people who are amazing parents but whose biological children have struggled with mental illness, drug abuse, and criminal activity. There are no guarantees in parenting. None. You do your best to love your children and raise them with good values, but they have a free will and may not always make the best choices. Please don't share your terrible adoption story with me because no matter what you say, you aren't going to scare me out of adoption.
So, when you hear us talk about adoption -- or hear anyone talk about adoption -- keep your comments reasonable. Be happy for us in the same way you are happy for your friends who are expecting a child through birth. We're happy and excited. This is how our family is growing and we want you to celebrate it with us.
Other people, upon hearing we plan to adopt, get a particular look on their face. Something of uncomfortable confusion mixed with pity. I think these folks assume we are adopting because we can't have children of our own. I have no desire whatsoever to have biological children. You know how some women talk about their biological clock? They have some innate desire to feel a baby inside their womb. My clock must be broken because I have none of that desire within myself. While I want children, I don't need to give birth to be able to enjoy them. They don't need to look like me and they sure as heck don't need all my genetic quirks to drag them down in life. Who knows? Maybe my children would enjoy having skin that is some color other than fluorescent white or pink. Maybe they'd like to be taller than 5'1".
While we are on the topic of people reacting with pity, let's be clear about something: I'm not infertile. Joe is not infertile. We could probably have lots of babies the "old fashioned way" if we wanted to. But we don't. Yes, you read that correctly. We are choosing to adopt our children. It is our first choice, not some alternative we are "stuck with" because we have no other options. In fact, I have wanted to adopt my children since I was 12 years old. No exaggeration. I literally decided way back in 1985 that I would be adopting my children. Somehow back then I learned about kids in foster care and orphanages, wonderful kids who were languishing in "the system" for years and years, only to grow up to become horrible statistics of how the system failed them. I personally do not want to add more kids to the world when there are already so many great kids waiting for parents to choose them. For some people adoption is a second choice due to fertility issues. Regardless of how people arrive at the decision to adopt, it is a brave and wonderful choice and not something to pity.
And while I'm on this soapbox, when someone talks about their choice to adopt, please refrain from giving the horror story you heard from a friend of a friend's cousin's mother. Sure there are terrible, challenging adoption stories out there....just as there are terrible stories of biological children who have been horribly challenging to parent. I know many people who are amazing parents but whose biological children have struggled with mental illness, drug abuse, and criminal activity. There are no guarantees in parenting. None. You do your best to love your children and raise them with good values, but they have a free will and may not always make the best choices. Please don't share your terrible adoption story with me because no matter what you say, you aren't going to scare me out of adoption.
So, when you hear us talk about adoption -- or hear anyone talk about adoption -- keep your comments reasonable. Be happy for us in the same way you are happy for your friends who are expecting a child through birth. We're happy and excited. This is how our family is growing and we want you to celebrate it with us.
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