It's not YOU, it's ME....(but, yeah, it kind of is you...)
When I was still a single lass, I hated to hurt the feelings of guys I went on dates with. It's not like I had a long line of suitors and was breaking hearts left and right. And, full disclosure: I was most often the dump-ee (which is bound to happen if a guy is mostly just in it for the sex, but you've committed to wait until marriage).
I was a good catch, other than the no-sex policy, and I did have a few guys who totally thought "Tina's Song" was their jam. Unfortunately for most of them, that's not the tune I was singing, if you know what I mean.
So how did I let these poor fellas know I just wasn't that into them? I usually gave them the old "It's not YOU, it's ME" line. You know the one -- "I'm the one whose heart is nothing more than a shriveled up raisin; I'm the one who is incapable of loving someone as amazing as you. Go! Go therefore and find a woman who is worthy of someone like you! I release you from the bonds of pining after a broken, loveless person such as I!"
"It's not you, it's me" is so cliche and I feel embarrassed now to admit that I used the line even once, much less several times.
"It's not you, it's me" is also a terrible lie.
Usually when I used the line "It's not you, it's me", what I really meant in my heart of hearts was "It's not you that I could ever see myself spending another five minutes with; it's me who cannot get away from you soon enough so that I might have a chance at real love".
More to the point, the real line should have been "It IS you. Period."
The same is true for the line "I think we should just be friends." I've never said that line to someone and then ACTUALLY remained friends with them. Why? Because I didn't mean it. I'm not even Twitter friends with any guys I have ever dated, and that's a pretty low bar of friendship because I'm Twitter friends with someone named "Hall Snarkies".
And why is it that we can't just say the truth?
"Look, I believe that in this world there is a lid for every pot. I'm not your lid. You're not my pot. Thanks for taking me to dinner, but I should just be honest and let you know that I don't see this going anywhere. Now get out there and find yourself the perfect lid!"
And maybe the break-up really is mostly the other person's fault. What if the guy licked his fingers all the way through dinner...and it wasn't at a fried chicken place? Or what if he picked his nose or treated the waitress poorly or made inappropriate jokes about people of another race? I don't want that guy getting off the hook so easily to blame me for what went so wrong. Maybe it would be more humane to give him the honest truth that he has some behaviors that might be off-putting to others. "Thank you for taking me to dinner tonight. I just don't think you're my type and, to be honest, you have some habits that didn't make the best impression on me. If you want some honest feedback so you can impress the next girl, I'm willing to share some things that might help."
Those words take a lot more guts than the simple "It's not you, it's me", so maybe you should just stick with the time-worn break-up cliche that has served us so well for generations.
It's not you.
It's me.
I was a good catch, other than the no-sex policy, and I did have a few guys who totally thought "Tina's Song" was their jam. Unfortunately for most of them, that's not the tune I was singing, if you know what I mean.
So how did I let these poor fellas know I just wasn't that into them? I usually gave them the old "It's not YOU, it's ME" line. You know the one -- "I'm the one whose heart is nothing more than a shriveled up raisin; I'm the one who is incapable of loving someone as amazing as you. Go! Go therefore and find a woman who is worthy of someone like you! I release you from the bonds of pining after a broken, loveless person such as I!"
"It's not you, it's me" is so cliche and I feel embarrassed now to admit that I used the line even once, much less several times.
"It's not you, it's me" is also a terrible lie.
Usually when I used the line "It's not you, it's me", what I really meant in my heart of hearts was "It's not you that I could ever see myself spending another five minutes with; it's me who cannot get away from you soon enough so that I might have a chance at real love".
More to the point, the real line should have been "It IS you. Period."
The same is true for the line "I think we should just be friends." I've never said that line to someone and then ACTUALLY remained friends with them. Why? Because I didn't mean it. I'm not even Twitter friends with any guys I have ever dated, and that's a pretty low bar of friendship because I'm Twitter friends with someone named "Hall Snarkies".
And why is it that we can't just say the truth?
"Look, I believe that in this world there is a lid for every pot. I'm not your lid. You're not my pot. Thanks for taking me to dinner, but I should just be honest and let you know that I don't see this going anywhere. Now get out there and find yourself the perfect lid!"
And maybe the break-up really is mostly the other person's fault. What if the guy licked his fingers all the way through dinner...and it wasn't at a fried chicken place? Or what if he picked his nose or treated the waitress poorly or made inappropriate jokes about people of another race? I don't want that guy getting off the hook so easily to blame me for what went so wrong. Maybe it would be more humane to give him the honest truth that he has some behaviors that might be off-putting to others. "Thank you for taking me to dinner tonight. I just don't think you're my type and, to be honest, you have some habits that didn't make the best impression on me. If you want some honest feedback so you can impress the next girl, I'm willing to share some things that might help."
Those words take a lot more guts than the simple "It's not you, it's me", so maybe you should just stick with the time-worn break-up cliche that has served us so well for generations.
It's not you.
It's me.
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