Parenting
Disclaimer: I don't have children. I don't even pretend to know what it would be like to have children. All I have is a dog who sometimes acts like a toddler, but I know that doesn't count. The written rant that follows is based mostly on my opinion and in some cases an educated guess about what I might do as a parent someday. Some of this is based on the fact that I have a master's degree in social work and lots of experience with children (other people's children). Some is based on my own childhood and some is based on seeing the successes and failures of other parents I have witnessed. Feel free to roll your eyes if you must, but at least give me the benefit of the doubt and read the whole blog post first.
I want kids but more that that I want kids who will grow up to be great adults someday. I'm not one of those people who laments when my kids are "too big to cuddle". I want them to grow up and be preteens and teenagers and adults. I'm excited for the different stages of their development and I can't wait for greater and greater maturity to be evident. I want to raise kids who live as debt-free as possible, who have happy, healthy marriages, who value education and knowledge and work hard at jobs they love.
Because I want to raise great adults I know I have a hard job while my kids are children. They are going to hear the word "no". A lot. I'm not going to be a jerk about it but I also want them to know they can survive when things don't go their way. I want them to be able to cope when someone else wins a game or when someone else takes home the prize. I want disappointment to be a momentary glitch in life and nothing more. I also want my kids to value the things they own -- and to value the things that belong to others. As members of a family, my children will have household chores each week. And these chores won't be tied to any form of allowance or other benefit beyond the knowledge that families must work as a team to make life run smoothly. My kids will have opportunities to earn money for extra chores they do, like helping with yard work or washing the car.
Along those lines, my children will have to save up their money and will learn that there are certain things that they must buy for themselves. "Do you want a cell phone? Great. You can have one when you can pay for it yourself." "Expensive, impractical shoes? Sure. Let me know when you've saved up enough money and I'll drive you to the mall." You get the picture. I don't want my children to expect to receive every item that strikes their momentary fancy. One of my biggest fears is that someday my child will leave our home and fall into the credit card trap in an effort to keep up with a lifestyle I've instilled in them. I want them to understand that they won't automatically turn 18, move out on their own and immediately have a home and nice things and the freedom to buy everything they want. A realistic first place involves ratty, handmedown furniture, cheap Ramen noodles, and old Cool Whip containers in place of Tupperware. You work your way up to the comfortable lifestyle that most adults enjoy and you do that by working hard and spending your money wisely (including savings).
I want my children to grow up with the ability to delay gratification. Saying "no" to something right now might allow the freedom to say "yes" to something even better in the future. There are several studies about delayed gratification, and children who are able to delay gratification tend to be more successful as adults. I want that for my children. I want my children to be able to say "no" to their own impulsive decisions and to the pressures of impulsive friends. I want them to do well in school so that they have plenty of options available to them after high school. If college is the path they choose then I want them to have plenty of options available for scholarships so that they don't have to graduate with burdensome student loans.
Most of all I want my children to be well liked. Don't mistake what I'm saying here. I'm not saying I want my children to be "popular". I spent a lot of my life expecting that popularity would be the thing that would make my life complete. I can now look back at many of those then-popular kids and I see the error of my ways. I don't want that for my kids. I do want them to be well liked. I want them to be socially adept, comfortable with other kids and with adults. I want them to be able to carry on a conversation. and to have polite manners. I want them to have empathy and concern for others. I want them to be generous and thoughtful. I want them to be the kind of kid (and someday adult) that others admire fondly, not because he or she is the life-of-the-party, but because of a lifestyle of genuine kindness.
"It all sounds good, but unrealistic", you say. Maybe. I don't have kids and so I don't know how unrealistic it really is. But, I know that it won't be easy to raise great adults. I know that saying "no" won't always look like an episode of "The Cosby Show". But, I know that if my kids are going to mess up I would much rather they mess up while they still live under my roof so I can help guide them through their mistakes to help them avoid making that same mistake a second time. I do know it can be done because I've seen it done. I think my parents did it, and even though I didn't always appreciate it at the time, I know I have a great life now that is almost entirely thanks to their parenting back then. I hope that someday my kids write a blog post just like this using Twitbook or whatever social networking tool that is available in the future. Check back in 20 years or so to see if my parenting plans are successful.
I want kids but more that that I want kids who will grow up to be great adults someday. I'm not one of those people who laments when my kids are "too big to cuddle". I want them to grow up and be preteens and teenagers and adults. I'm excited for the different stages of their development and I can't wait for greater and greater maturity to be evident. I want to raise kids who live as debt-free as possible, who have happy, healthy marriages, who value education and knowledge and work hard at jobs they love.
Because I want to raise great adults I know I have a hard job while my kids are children. They are going to hear the word "no". A lot. I'm not going to be a jerk about it but I also want them to know they can survive when things don't go their way. I want them to be able to cope when someone else wins a game or when someone else takes home the prize. I want disappointment to be a momentary glitch in life and nothing more. I also want my kids to value the things they own -- and to value the things that belong to others. As members of a family, my children will have household chores each week. And these chores won't be tied to any form of allowance or other benefit beyond the knowledge that families must work as a team to make life run smoothly. My kids will have opportunities to earn money for extra chores they do, like helping with yard work or washing the car.
Along those lines, my children will have to save up their money and will learn that there are certain things that they must buy for themselves. "Do you want a cell phone? Great. You can have one when you can pay for it yourself." "Expensive, impractical shoes? Sure. Let me know when you've saved up enough money and I'll drive you to the mall." You get the picture. I don't want my children to expect to receive every item that strikes their momentary fancy. One of my biggest fears is that someday my child will leave our home and fall into the credit card trap in an effort to keep up with a lifestyle I've instilled in them. I want them to understand that they won't automatically turn 18, move out on their own and immediately have a home and nice things and the freedom to buy everything they want. A realistic first place involves ratty, handmedown furniture, cheap Ramen noodles, and old Cool Whip containers in place of Tupperware. You work your way up to the comfortable lifestyle that most adults enjoy and you do that by working hard and spending your money wisely (including savings).
I want my children to grow up with the ability to delay gratification. Saying "no" to something right now might allow the freedom to say "yes" to something even better in the future. There are several studies about delayed gratification, and children who are able to delay gratification tend to be more successful as adults. I want that for my children. I want my children to be able to say "no" to their own impulsive decisions and to the pressures of impulsive friends. I want them to do well in school so that they have plenty of options available to them after high school. If college is the path they choose then I want them to have plenty of options available for scholarships so that they don't have to graduate with burdensome student loans.
Most of all I want my children to be well liked. Don't mistake what I'm saying here. I'm not saying I want my children to be "popular". I spent a lot of my life expecting that popularity would be the thing that would make my life complete. I can now look back at many of those then-popular kids and I see the error of my ways. I don't want that for my kids. I do want them to be well liked. I want them to be socially adept, comfortable with other kids and with adults. I want them to be able to carry on a conversation. and to have polite manners. I want them to have empathy and concern for others. I want them to be generous and thoughtful. I want them to be the kind of kid (and someday adult) that others admire fondly, not because he or she is the life-of-the-party, but because of a lifestyle of genuine kindness.
"It all sounds good, but unrealistic", you say. Maybe. I don't have kids and so I don't know how unrealistic it really is. But, I know that it won't be easy to raise great adults. I know that saying "no" won't always look like an episode of "The Cosby Show". But, I know that if my kids are going to mess up I would much rather they mess up while they still live under my roof so I can help guide them through their mistakes to help them avoid making that same mistake a second time. I do know it can be done because I've seen it done. I think my parents did it, and even though I didn't always appreciate it at the time, I know I have a great life now that is almost entirely thanks to their parenting back then. I hope that someday my kids write a blog post just like this using Twitbook or whatever social networking tool that is available in the future. Check back in 20 years or so to see if my parenting plans are successful.
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