A Warning about our Soon-to-be Littles
We are in the licensing process to become foster (and eventually adoptive) parents. We'll be finished with the process in a few weeks and will have kids in our home shortly thereafter. I feel that a warning is in order. These kids will not be like your kids. You have, most likely, raised your kids since conception. You spoke tenderly to your baby while he was still in your womb. Your husband read books to your belly. From the moment your pee turned the stick blue, you have been in love with your child. You have celebrated every milestone, kept a journal of all her firsts, kept a lock of hair from his first haircut and you have snapped photos like a papparazzi. Likely, you have also raised your child with loving guidance and consistent discipline. Your children learned early where the boundaries were and how to behave appropriately at home, school, church, in public, and with friends. They are respectful and kind, obedient, loving and fun to be around.
Our kids probably won't be like that. Not at first, anyway. Their life has been one of turmoil, disappointment, abuse, neglect, trauma, inconsistency, and fear. Their parents were, at best, overhwelmed and underprepared -- and, at worst, they were monsters. These children may have been harshly punished for some misdeeds while woefully neglected for others. Some of our children may have even been used for the sexual gratification of one or more adult in their lives. When they come into our home they will have the physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual scars to show for what they have experienced. Fear and anger will be their first line of defense as they deal with being removed from their parents' home. While they were fearful and angry at what happened to them, at least it was "normal". They will have a painful grief process to go through as they deal with the shift into foster care. They won't understand what true, unconditional love feels like and will likely fight against our efforts to care for them. Consistent, loving discipline has not been part of their life (except at school), so it will take time to help them learn to follow rules, to treat others with respect, and to live as part of a healthy family.
There are some things you can do to help our children with this transition. First, we want you to see them as children who were created by God, who He loves deeply. Their behaviors are a result of the example that was set for them or a result of what was necessary for survival. They are learning how to live a different way, but it will take time. Regardless of what they do, though, they are still the children of the King and deserve to be treated with the same grace we have received.
Second, please respect that our kids have been physically and maybe sexually abused -- and respect their personal space needs. A high five is fine if you need to show affection. If they initiate a hug, that's fine...but only if they initiate and the hug is appropriate. Our kids don't need to be tickled or wrestled with. Because our kids might have ongoing issues as a result of sexual abuse, they may have precocious sexual behaviors. Don't allow them to sit on your lap or have inappropriate contact with you (like a hug that lingers too long). It's okay to redirect them gently if they initiate that kind of contact or to walk away if you need to.
Third, we want these kids to have a network of caring adults in their lives while they are in our home. We want them to see that adults are trustworthy, supportive, encouraging, and caring. It is also important as we work to build our kids' self-concept. But, you are taking a risk in caring about our children. Our relationship with them is most likely temporary. We will be working with their parents and a team of professionals on a goal of reunifying the biological family. The goal of reunification exists to get families healthy so children can go home. If that goal is successful then these children will be leaving our home eventually. Please don't let this hold you back from investing in our kids' lives.
Finally, please don't tell us you couldn't be foster parents because you couldn't do what we're doing. Don't tell us we're saints or that what we're doing is amazing. I believe absolutely, wholeheartedly that God has called us to this life. It is God's thing,100%. I decided when I was 12 years old that I only wanted to have my children through adoption. I have always had a heart for the foster care system and kids in orphanages. God planted this desire in my heart. There simply is no other explanation. I don't want the credit for it. So, if you catch yourself thinking that what we're doing is unbelievable or incredible, then praise the Lord for making it possible.
Our kids probably won't be like that. Not at first, anyway. Their life has been one of turmoil, disappointment, abuse, neglect, trauma, inconsistency, and fear. Their parents were, at best, overhwelmed and underprepared -- and, at worst, they were monsters. These children may have been harshly punished for some misdeeds while woefully neglected for others. Some of our children may have even been used for the sexual gratification of one or more adult in their lives. When they come into our home they will have the physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual scars to show for what they have experienced. Fear and anger will be their first line of defense as they deal with being removed from their parents' home. While they were fearful and angry at what happened to them, at least it was "normal". They will have a painful grief process to go through as they deal with the shift into foster care. They won't understand what true, unconditional love feels like and will likely fight against our efforts to care for them. Consistent, loving discipline has not been part of their life (except at school), so it will take time to help them learn to follow rules, to treat others with respect, and to live as part of a healthy family.
There are some things you can do to help our children with this transition. First, we want you to see them as children who were created by God, who He loves deeply. Their behaviors are a result of the example that was set for them or a result of what was necessary for survival. They are learning how to live a different way, but it will take time. Regardless of what they do, though, they are still the children of the King and deserve to be treated with the same grace we have received.
Second, please respect that our kids have been physically and maybe sexually abused -- and respect their personal space needs. A high five is fine if you need to show affection. If they initiate a hug, that's fine...but only if they initiate and the hug is appropriate. Our kids don't need to be tickled or wrestled with. Because our kids might have ongoing issues as a result of sexual abuse, they may have precocious sexual behaviors. Don't allow them to sit on your lap or have inappropriate contact with you (like a hug that lingers too long). It's okay to redirect them gently if they initiate that kind of contact or to walk away if you need to.
Third, we want these kids to have a network of caring adults in their lives while they are in our home. We want them to see that adults are trustworthy, supportive, encouraging, and caring. It is also important as we work to build our kids' self-concept. But, you are taking a risk in caring about our children. Our relationship with them is most likely temporary. We will be working with their parents and a team of professionals on a goal of reunifying the biological family. The goal of reunification exists to get families healthy so children can go home. If that goal is successful then these children will be leaving our home eventually. Please don't let this hold you back from investing in our kids' lives.
Finally, please don't tell us you couldn't be foster parents because you couldn't do what we're doing. Don't tell us we're saints or that what we're doing is amazing. I believe absolutely, wholeheartedly that God has called us to this life. It is God's thing,100%. I decided when I was 12 years old that I only wanted to have my children through adoption. I have always had a heart for the foster care system and kids in orphanages. God planted this desire in my heart. There simply is no other explanation. I don't want the credit for it. So, if you catch yourself thinking that what we're doing is unbelievable or incredible, then praise the Lord for making it possible.
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