Torture or just bad cinema...
Since bringing the girls home I have been subjected to some really, really awful movies. Every Friday is "Family Movie Night" at Casa de Miller. For fairness sake, we rotate who gets to choose the Friday night flick. Each girl gets a turn and then the adults share a turn on the third week. The girls have made some really terrible selections and we, as their loving parents, have smiled through the pain of watching with them. At least we get some popcorn out of the deal.
After a few particularly wretched films it has occurred to me - the real tragedy is that these movies were actually filmed in the first place. Someone wrote these awful scripts and, by some crazy stroke of luck on their part, actually managed to find a buyer. Then with the terrible script in hand some producer and director hired poor quality actors to shoot these losers. I think I could do a better job writing, producing, directing and starring in a movie with one hand tied behind my back.
I've decided to share my pain with you, the faithful (or unlucky) reader. Consider this a cautionary tale. These are my top five worst kids movies I have had to watch since becoming a parent:
#5 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 -- Of the movies chosen by our youngest, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 is by far the least terrible. Oh, it still has a lousy script and terrible acting, but at least there were a few good jokes mixed in to make the adults feel a little less tortured. Puppies wreaking havoc on a hotel and then managing to somehow save the day. Enough said.
#4 - Golden Winter -- On our youngest's night to pick a movie we are often subjected to movies starring cute puppies. The cuteness of the puppies is almost always the only saving grace of the film. Golden Winter is no exception. This film features a "homeless" litter of golden retriever puppies who were abandoned when their humans were about to be foreclosed upon. I guess even kids who love puppies need to worry about the scary realities of the housing crisis. The puppies are found by a group of teenage hoodlums who decide to squat in the vacant house. They decide they can make some quick cash to fund their violent video game habit by selling the puppies. A shady just-released-from-prison uncle gets involved and convinces the kids to help him rob some orphans at a Christmas party. The puppies and a boy, whose workaholic dad is a constant disappointment, manage to save the day and the Christmas party from disaster. This causes the workaholic dad to rethink his priorities and quit his job so he can spend more time with his son. Poor acting, lousy script....but cute puppies.
#3 - I [Heart] Shakey -- Another movie about a dog. Are you seeing a theme yet? What can I say? That girl LOVES puppies. Other than the soundtrack which was completely performed on a 1980's-style synthesizer, this movie isn't the worst we've ever sat through. But, it was poorly acted and manipulated your emotions. And the dog wasn't even that cute.
#2 - After the Wizard -- I was skeptical of this flick from the start, but we were moving in a good direction since it was finally a film not acted entirely by puppies. The puppies, as it turns out, are better actors than the humans in After the Wizard. I don't know that I could describe this whole thing without sounding like I was taking some sort of illegal drugs. However, suffice to say that it was more of a psychological film than a feel-good kids' movie. The main character is an orphan who believes herself to be Dorothy Gale and she believes that she has been visited by the Tin Man and Scarecrow needing her to return to Oz. In the process, somehow her hallucinations are "cured" by the Tin Man and Scarecrow sacrificing themselves to a tornado. And that wasn't even the weirdest part of the movie.
#1 - Spooky Town -- First of all, the picture associated with this film on the Redbox website featured actors from the current decade and the description of the movie said it was released in February 2013. That was all a giant lie. The movie was actually made in the early 1990's and the kids from the picture were nowhere to be seen in the actual movie. Second of all, this movie was way too scary to be rated G. The plot has these three kids whose parents are on a road trip. The adults lose cell phone contact after stopping to get gas in the middle of nowhere. The kids get worried so the oldest sibling drives the kids along the same route that their parents had taken. They, too, stop to get gas and wind up in Spooky Town after talking to a creepy Native American gas station attendant. The town is inhabited by weird zombies who seem fine on the surface but are actually being controlled by this weird underground green goo. Somehow the kids managed to get their parents un-zombiefied and out of the goo-filled cavern beneath the town. They all got back on the road and lived happily ever after. And we all went to bed and had nightmares about green goo. Thanks a lot, Spooky Town.
Learn a lesson from our mistakes and just say "no" to the above films. Or at least watch at your own risk.
After a few particularly wretched films it has occurred to me - the real tragedy is that these movies were actually filmed in the first place. Someone wrote these awful scripts and, by some crazy stroke of luck on their part, actually managed to find a buyer. Then with the terrible script in hand some producer and director hired poor quality actors to shoot these losers. I think I could do a better job writing, producing, directing and starring in a movie with one hand tied behind my back.
I've decided to share my pain with you, the faithful (or unlucky) reader. Consider this a cautionary tale. These are my top five worst kids movies I have had to watch since becoming a parent:
#5 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 -- Of the movies chosen by our youngest, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 is by far the least terrible. Oh, it still has a lousy script and terrible acting, but at least there were a few good jokes mixed in to make the adults feel a little less tortured. Puppies wreaking havoc on a hotel and then managing to somehow save the day. Enough said.
#4 - Golden Winter -- On our youngest's night to pick a movie we are often subjected to movies starring cute puppies. The cuteness of the puppies is almost always the only saving grace of the film. Golden Winter is no exception. This film features a "homeless" litter of golden retriever puppies who were abandoned when their humans were about to be foreclosed upon. I guess even kids who love puppies need to worry about the scary realities of the housing crisis. The puppies are found by a group of teenage hoodlums who decide to squat in the vacant house. They decide they can make some quick cash to fund their violent video game habit by selling the puppies. A shady just-released-from-prison uncle gets involved and convinces the kids to help him rob some orphans at a Christmas party. The puppies and a boy, whose workaholic dad is a constant disappointment, manage to save the day and the Christmas party from disaster. This causes the workaholic dad to rethink his priorities and quit his job so he can spend more time with his son. Poor acting, lousy script....but cute puppies.
#3 - I [Heart] Shakey -- Another movie about a dog. Are you seeing a theme yet? What can I say? That girl LOVES puppies. Other than the soundtrack which was completely performed on a 1980's-style synthesizer, this movie isn't the worst we've ever sat through. But, it was poorly acted and manipulated your emotions. And the dog wasn't even that cute.
#2 - After the Wizard -- I was skeptical of this flick from the start, but we were moving in a good direction since it was finally a film not acted entirely by puppies. The puppies, as it turns out, are better actors than the humans in After the Wizard. I don't know that I could describe this whole thing without sounding like I was taking some sort of illegal drugs. However, suffice to say that it was more of a psychological film than a feel-good kids' movie. The main character is an orphan who believes herself to be Dorothy Gale and she believes that she has been visited by the Tin Man and Scarecrow needing her to return to Oz. In the process, somehow her hallucinations are "cured" by the Tin Man and Scarecrow sacrificing themselves to a tornado. And that wasn't even the weirdest part of the movie.
#1 - Spooky Town -- First of all, the picture associated with this film on the Redbox website featured actors from the current decade and the description of the movie said it was released in February 2013. That was all a giant lie. The movie was actually made in the early 1990's and the kids from the picture were nowhere to be seen in the actual movie. Second of all, this movie was way too scary to be rated G. The plot has these three kids whose parents are on a road trip. The adults lose cell phone contact after stopping to get gas in the middle of nowhere. The kids get worried so the oldest sibling drives the kids along the same route that their parents had taken. They, too, stop to get gas and wind up in Spooky Town after talking to a creepy Native American gas station attendant. The town is inhabited by weird zombies who seem fine on the surface but are actually being controlled by this weird underground green goo. Somehow the kids managed to get their parents un-zombiefied and out of the goo-filled cavern beneath the town. They all got back on the road and lived happily ever after. And we all went to bed and had nightmares about green goo. Thanks a lot, Spooky Town.
Learn a lesson from our mistakes and just say "no" to the above films. Or at least watch at your own risk.
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