He's Just Not That Into This Movie
For those of you who don't know me (Tina) well, you may not know that I was single until the age of 32 when I met Joe. I guess I was technically single until age 33 because that's when we got married. Back in the day, someone bought me the book "He's Just Not That Into You". I don't know if the giver thought I specifically needed the advice the book contained or if she just thought it was a good read for any and all single gals like myself. The book, while not entirely G-rated, is full of worthy advice for some of the things women tend to do in dating. The gyst of the book is that women should not waste their time, effort or emotional energy on men who don't really care about them. If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you. If he's not marrying you, he's just not that into you. You get the point. In essence, the book says that a man who likes you will let you know he likes you. He'll call because he wants to talk to you. Often. He'll take you on dates, do romantic gestures and show physical affection because he enjoys your company, wants to make you happy and generally because you make him happy.
Tonight I watched the movie based on the book. The message the movie was mostly close to the book, but at times it appeared to give the message that married men are cheaters or otherwise selfish oafs. The movie occasionally seemed to say that women should settle for less than they deserve, less than the best. It got me thinking about what we are taught as little girls or not-so-little girls when we enter adulthood. We grow up seeing Cinderella get the prince, the beast turns into the charming prince, the prince rescues Rapunzel from the tower, Ariel gets new legs and a prince, Sleeping Beauty gets a dreamy alarm clock (who happens to be a prince)...see the pattern? We grow up and shed the children's movies in turn for the "romantic comedy" (aka "chick flick") where we learn that we can write a letter and someone from across country will feel compelled to meet us at the top of the Empire State Building where we will find love at first sight. Or we learn that the dreamy-looking guy who we're just friends with will eventually realize he's as in love with us as we are in love with him and eventually our eyes will meet from across a crowded room (or park or cemetary or wedding) and we'll realize we're in love. All sorts of unhealthy relationships can lead to ultimate relational bliss if only we have a meaningful, romantic glance that eventually leads to a kiss timed with the appropriate music. We grow up waiting for a fairy tale (or more bluntly, a lie) to come true. When real relationships find us we don't recognize them because it doesn't fit the picture we've come to believe is truth. We come to think that we need to accept all manner of bad behavior because we think it means he might eventually have that moment of romantic realization that we are "the one".
While the authors of "He's Just Not That Into You" aren't Christians by a long stretch of the imagination, they do paint a picture that fits with what Godly men ought to do in relationships. While I realize not all men are like Joe and not all relationships are like our relationship. However, women should hold out for the BEST. God's best. That may mean waiting until your 30 or 40 years old. But if you are seeking God's will and seeking a man who has the character of God, you do not need to worry about whether or not he will call because a Godly man won't want to lead you on, won't want to hurt your feelings by playing games with your tender emotions. He'll call because he said he would call. He'll spend time with you because he wants to get to know you, wants to spend time with you. He will marry you if it is God's will. If not, he will let you know that, too.
Joe and I were set up on a blind date. We could have met a bunch of different times over the years, including when we lived in the same apartment complex during the same time period back before he knew Jesus. He wasn't the man he is now during any of those times we could have met along the way. God was still working on him. And on me. We were introduced by mutual friends who knew us both well and knew that we had characteristics that would be well matched together. They got my permission for the set up and they gave him my phone number. He didn't wait long to call. At the close of that first great phone call, he let me know when he would call next. And he did call when he said he would. Each time we ended a phone call or date he ended it with a promise of when we would talk again in the future. Each time he was true to his word. I never had to wonder when he would call. I never had to wonder if he was interested. He showed it clearly through his words and actions. We spent lots of time getting to know each other superficially at first and then more deeply. We had four dates before he left for a Youthworks summer. The relationship had not progressed passed just barely dating, but we both knew we wanted to keep getting to know each other. We spent the summer talking on the phone while he drove between ministry sites. By the end of the summer we were talking as many as seven consecutive hours at a time. He bought me a plane ticket and we made a plan for me to join him at the end of the summer to drive home from Pennsylvania. We turned it into an adventure, which turned out to be the first of many such adventures in our life together.
The great thing about my relationship with Joe is that he was absolutely, unquestionably the man God had selected for me. Somewhere along the way in my singleness, long before meeting Joe, I wrote a list in my journal of all the qualities I wanted in my future husband. I think there were 25 characteristics in all. Along the way as a single girl, people would tell me my standards were just too high, that I would have to lower my standards if I wanted to get a husband. I didn't think lowering my standards was necessary, even though I sometimes worried that they were right. God provided me with Joe who was and is all 25 qualities and more. To my single friends out there who are worried that they should settle so that "happily ever after" can find them, I urge you to keep holding out for God's very best. I think I speak for Joe here too in saying that God's best is totally worth the wait, even if it doesn't resemble a fairy tale, romantic comedy or any of the pictures in your head.
Tonight I watched the movie based on the book. The message the movie was mostly close to the book, but at times it appeared to give the message that married men are cheaters or otherwise selfish oafs. The movie occasionally seemed to say that women should settle for less than they deserve, less than the best. It got me thinking about what we are taught as little girls or not-so-little girls when we enter adulthood. We grow up seeing Cinderella get the prince, the beast turns into the charming prince, the prince rescues Rapunzel from the tower, Ariel gets new legs and a prince, Sleeping Beauty gets a dreamy alarm clock (who happens to be a prince)...see the pattern? We grow up and shed the children's movies in turn for the "romantic comedy" (aka "chick flick") where we learn that we can write a letter and someone from across country will feel compelled to meet us at the top of the Empire State Building where we will find love at first sight. Or we learn that the dreamy-looking guy who we're just friends with will eventually realize he's as in love with us as we are in love with him and eventually our eyes will meet from across a crowded room (or park or cemetary or wedding) and we'll realize we're in love. All sorts of unhealthy relationships can lead to ultimate relational bliss if only we have a meaningful, romantic glance that eventually leads to a kiss timed with the appropriate music. We grow up waiting for a fairy tale (or more bluntly, a lie) to come true. When real relationships find us we don't recognize them because it doesn't fit the picture we've come to believe is truth. We come to think that we need to accept all manner of bad behavior because we think it means he might eventually have that moment of romantic realization that we are "the one".
While the authors of "He's Just Not That Into You" aren't Christians by a long stretch of the imagination, they do paint a picture that fits with what Godly men ought to do in relationships. While I realize not all men are like Joe and not all relationships are like our relationship. However, women should hold out for the BEST. God's best. That may mean waiting until your 30 or 40 years old. But if you are seeking God's will and seeking a man who has the character of God, you do not need to worry about whether or not he will call because a Godly man won't want to lead you on, won't want to hurt your feelings by playing games with your tender emotions. He'll call because he said he would call. He'll spend time with you because he wants to get to know you, wants to spend time with you. He will marry you if it is God's will. If not, he will let you know that, too.
Joe and I were set up on a blind date. We could have met a bunch of different times over the years, including when we lived in the same apartment complex during the same time period back before he knew Jesus. He wasn't the man he is now during any of those times we could have met along the way. God was still working on him. And on me. We were introduced by mutual friends who knew us both well and knew that we had characteristics that would be well matched together. They got my permission for the set up and they gave him my phone number. He didn't wait long to call. At the close of that first great phone call, he let me know when he would call next. And he did call when he said he would. Each time we ended a phone call or date he ended it with a promise of when we would talk again in the future. Each time he was true to his word. I never had to wonder when he would call. I never had to wonder if he was interested. He showed it clearly through his words and actions. We spent lots of time getting to know each other superficially at first and then more deeply. We had four dates before he left for a Youthworks summer. The relationship had not progressed passed just barely dating, but we both knew we wanted to keep getting to know each other. We spent the summer talking on the phone while he drove between ministry sites. By the end of the summer we were talking as many as seven consecutive hours at a time. He bought me a plane ticket and we made a plan for me to join him at the end of the summer to drive home from Pennsylvania. We turned it into an adventure, which turned out to be the first of many such adventures in our life together.
The great thing about my relationship with Joe is that he was absolutely, unquestionably the man God had selected for me. Somewhere along the way in my singleness, long before meeting Joe, I wrote a list in my journal of all the qualities I wanted in my future husband. I think there were 25 characteristics in all. Along the way as a single girl, people would tell me my standards were just too high, that I would have to lower my standards if I wanted to get a husband. I didn't think lowering my standards was necessary, even though I sometimes worried that they were right. God provided me with Joe who was and is all 25 qualities and more. To my single friends out there who are worried that they should settle so that "happily ever after" can find them, I urge you to keep holding out for God's very best. I think I speak for Joe here too in saying that God's best is totally worth the wait, even if it doesn't resemble a fairy tale, romantic comedy or any of the pictures in your head.
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