All the single ladies (all the single ladies)….loathe these words
I'm not sure what prompted this post other than it was on my mind. I know I'm no longer a "single lady", but my singlehood wasn't so long ago that it has been forgotten. Plus I feel the need to write on behalf of my still single-lady friends.
I grew up in southwest Missouri in a pretty rural area. Most of the girls I graduated high school with had aspirations of marriage and motherhood. Both of those are fine goals, I suppose, just not for me. I wanted to have more, do more, see more before I walked down the aisle. I had dreams of college and travel and an interesting career. I didn't really date in high school (Oh the horror!) and didn't date a whole lot in college (OMG! What was she thinking?!). Unfortunately, that meant that all the (perceivably) "good" men got snatched up by other women either in high school or college. According to most everyone's opinion, there were no good men left for an "old" woman like me. College degree and career be damned! This poor, silly spinster was doomed to a life of most-dreaded singleness. FOREVER.
Except that I wasn't. And even if I was single forever, my life wasn't anything to be dreaded. In singleness I could go wherever I wanted, eat whatever I felt like, and spend my money as I saw fit. I could watch as many chick flicks as my heart desired. I could have painted every room in my house with pink stripes and glitter….and it wouldn't have been anyone's business but mine. I could eat directly from the pint of Ben and Jerry's. During those years I enjoyed some really interesting opportunities and experiences. I got to go to Canada a couple of times, England and Wales, New York City, Florida, Texas and more.
And you know what else? I didn't settle for my "first husband" like so many of those girls in high school or college. I had a list of about 20 items I was praying for and I wasn't willing to settle for less. And God honored the list by providing me EXACTLY the man I had been praying for. But, the funny thing with God is that HIS timing isn't always OUR timing. As it turns out I didn't meet my husband until I was 32 years old (well into spinsterhood by most standards). If I had met him sooner he wouldn't have matched the list. God was still working on my husband's character. I met my husband exactly when I needed to meet him.
Now to the point of this blog. When I was still single all those years, I hated…..no, I LOATHED certain questions. And I would wager that most single ladies feel just as strongly about those same questions as I did. Here's the list of offenders:
1. Are you dating anyone? Seems harmless enough all on its own, but this question is ridiculously annoying en masse. When everyone you meet asks you this question it becomes really difficult to smile through your (highly practiced) answer. If you are someone I know and care about, you probably know whether or not I'm dating anyone. If you don't know about my dating life, there's probably a reason. If you really need a conversation starter with a single person, ask them how work is going or if they've seen any good movies lately or if they think the Chiefs will make it to the Super Bowl this year.
2. You're a pretty girl….so why are you still single? Again, this one seems harmless enough. I mean, sure, its nice for someone to tell you you're a "pretty girl". But there's more to success in dating than being pretty. Especially if you're talking to a girl with standards. Sure, I could have gone to a bar with a few buttons undone and I could have probably snagged some loser for a date. I probably could have been married a long time ago if I had just lowered my standards. But I wanted more than a guy who was just looking for a trophy.
3. So…..are you a lesbian? No. Are you an idiot? Being single and 30-something doesn't turn a person into a lesbian no matter how desperate the dating scene looks.
4. When are you ever going to settle down? I personally hated this one. I didn't want to be single. I wanted the career and the travel and all that, but I eventually really did want to find Mr. Right and have a family, just like most of my friends. When my dating career turned into a long line of losers, there were definitely times it looked (and felt) hopeless. It wasn't my choice not to "settle down". Like I said before, I was waiting for God's best and the man God had for me just wasn't ready yet.
And then there's the oh-so-(not)-helpful suggestions. Single women don't need your suggestions unless they ask for them. Here are a few particularly unhelpful ones:
1. I think your standards might be too high. You might need to lower the bar a little if you ever want to find a husband. Ick.
2. You should try going out more. Lots of people meet guys at a bar. Double Ick. While I'm sure you can find someone with a healthy relationship that began in a bar, I'm sure those stories are the exception not the rule. If you're looking for a quality husband, it is doubtful he is hanging out at bars looking for his wife.
3. I have a friend (uncle, parent, co-worker, pastor, etc.) who is single. You should meet him. Hmm…innocuous enough except that most often the only criteria for the blind date is singleness. And that's it. So many people tried introducing me to their single men friends/relatives/co-workers and it was almost always the same -- absolutely nothing in common with no attraction on either side. If you're trying to help your single girlfriend out by setting her up, really give some thought and prayer to personality, interests, values, and activity level. Do you think these two would potentially get along well and have a good friendship? If the answer is "yes" then proceed with an introduction. Who knows if there will be chemistry, but at least you are choosing someone with a strong potential for success. If the answer is "no" then save your breath and your friend's frustration.
4. I know a lot of people who have met online. You should get your profile out there on [fill-in-the-blank website]. While it is true that many people find love online, it is also true that many people only find heartbreak and frustration. Online dating is a big decision and not necessarily an easy path to love. The internet is a great place to be a pretender. Creating a fake persona is easy to do. For many single women, online dating is not approached lightly. And if they choose this as an option, they probably won't be broadcasting it to anyone but their closest friends.
5. You just need to flirt more. This advice usually comes from an awkward source. Like that weird uncle you only see twice a year. There are probably people who don't know how to flirt. But, as I always say, there's a lid for every pot and if you don't know how to flirt then your "lid" probably isn't looking for a flirtatious "pot". You should always be yourself as a single girl, because you want a guy to love you for YOU, not for some fake flirtatious persona you've practiced.
6. And what's worse -- You probably just aren't putting yourself out there (wink wink) enough. If I want a guy who just wants my body, then "putting myself out there" is probably a great strategy. But, one-night-stand guys rarely make quality husbands. So, unless you want to finance my divorce lawyer (and my therapist) then this is probably not the greatest advice to offer me or anyone else.
If you are married and concerned about your single friend, ask her (gently) if she is interested in help or advice. If she is looking to date, ask her what specific qualities she is looking for. Then consider those characteristics in the single friends/relatives/co-workers you might consider as potential blind dates. If your single friend is happy in her singleness then be happy right along with her. Enjoy her as a human being who is just fine all on her own. And then let her be the one to bring up her singleness in the future, if she chooses.
I grew up in southwest Missouri in a pretty rural area. Most of the girls I graduated high school with had aspirations of marriage and motherhood. Both of those are fine goals, I suppose, just not for me. I wanted to have more, do more, see more before I walked down the aisle. I had dreams of college and travel and an interesting career. I didn't really date in high school (Oh the horror!) and didn't date a whole lot in college (OMG! What was she thinking?!). Unfortunately, that meant that all the (perceivably) "good" men got snatched up by other women either in high school or college. According to most everyone's opinion, there were no good men left for an "old" woman like me. College degree and career be damned! This poor, silly spinster was doomed to a life of most-dreaded singleness. FOREVER.
Except that I wasn't. And even if I was single forever, my life wasn't anything to be dreaded. In singleness I could go wherever I wanted, eat whatever I felt like, and spend my money as I saw fit. I could watch as many chick flicks as my heart desired. I could have painted every room in my house with pink stripes and glitter….and it wouldn't have been anyone's business but mine. I could eat directly from the pint of Ben and Jerry's. During those years I enjoyed some really interesting opportunities and experiences. I got to go to Canada a couple of times, England and Wales, New York City, Florida, Texas and more.
And you know what else? I didn't settle for my "first husband" like so many of those girls in high school or college. I had a list of about 20 items I was praying for and I wasn't willing to settle for less. And God honored the list by providing me EXACTLY the man I had been praying for. But, the funny thing with God is that HIS timing isn't always OUR timing. As it turns out I didn't meet my husband until I was 32 years old (well into spinsterhood by most standards). If I had met him sooner he wouldn't have matched the list. God was still working on my husband's character. I met my husband exactly when I needed to meet him.
Now to the point of this blog. When I was still single all those years, I hated…..no, I LOATHED certain questions. And I would wager that most single ladies feel just as strongly about those same questions as I did. Here's the list of offenders:
1. Are you dating anyone? Seems harmless enough all on its own, but this question is ridiculously annoying en masse. When everyone you meet asks you this question it becomes really difficult to smile through your (highly practiced) answer. If you are someone I know and care about, you probably know whether or not I'm dating anyone. If you don't know about my dating life, there's probably a reason. If you really need a conversation starter with a single person, ask them how work is going or if they've seen any good movies lately or if they think the Chiefs will make it to the Super Bowl this year.
2. You're a pretty girl….so why are you still single? Again, this one seems harmless enough. I mean, sure, its nice for someone to tell you you're a "pretty girl". But there's more to success in dating than being pretty. Especially if you're talking to a girl with standards. Sure, I could have gone to a bar with a few buttons undone and I could have probably snagged some loser for a date. I probably could have been married a long time ago if I had just lowered my standards. But I wanted more than a guy who was just looking for a trophy.
3. So…..are you a lesbian? No. Are you an idiot? Being single and 30-something doesn't turn a person into a lesbian no matter how desperate the dating scene looks.
4. When are you ever going to settle down? I personally hated this one. I didn't want to be single. I wanted the career and the travel and all that, but I eventually really did want to find Mr. Right and have a family, just like most of my friends. When my dating career turned into a long line of losers, there were definitely times it looked (and felt) hopeless. It wasn't my choice not to "settle down". Like I said before, I was waiting for God's best and the man God had for me just wasn't ready yet.
And then there's the oh-so-(not)-helpful suggestions. Single women don't need your suggestions unless they ask for them. Here are a few particularly unhelpful ones:
1. I think your standards might be too high. You might need to lower the bar a little if you ever want to find a husband. Ick.
2. You should try going out more. Lots of people meet guys at a bar. Double Ick. While I'm sure you can find someone with a healthy relationship that began in a bar, I'm sure those stories are the exception not the rule. If you're looking for a quality husband, it is doubtful he is hanging out at bars looking for his wife.
3. I have a friend (uncle, parent, co-worker, pastor, etc.) who is single. You should meet him. Hmm…innocuous enough except that most often the only criteria for the blind date is singleness. And that's it. So many people tried introducing me to their single men friends/relatives/co-workers and it was almost always the same -- absolutely nothing in common with no attraction on either side. If you're trying to help your single girlfriend out by setting her up, really give some thought and prayer to personality, interests, values, and activity level. Do you think these two would potentially get along well and have a good friendship? If the answer is "yes" then proceed with an introduction. Who knows if there will be chemistry, but at least you are choosing someone with a strong potential for success. If the answer is "no" then save your breath and your friend's frustration.
4. I know a lot of people who have met online. You should get your profile out there on [fill-in-the-blank website]. While it is true that many people find love online, it is also true that many people only find heartbreak and frustration. Online dating is a big decision and not necessarily an easy path to love. The internet is a great place to be a pretender. Creating a fake persona is easy to do. For many single women, online dating is not approached lightly. And if they choose this as an option, they probably won't be broadcasting it to anyone but their closest friends.
5. You just need to flirt more. This advice usually comes from an awkward source. Like that weird uncle you only see twice a year. There are probably people who don't know how to flirt. But, as I always say, there's a lid for every pot and if you don't know how to flirt then your "lid" probably isn't looking for a flirtatious "pot". You should always be yourself as a single girl, because you want a guy to love you for YOU, not for some fake flirtatious persona you've practiced.
6. And what's worse -- You probably just aren't putting yourself out there (wink wink) enough. If I want a guy who just wants my body, then "putting myself out there" is probably a great strategy. But, one-night-stand guys rarely make quality husbands. So, unless you want to finance my divorce lawyer (and my therapist) then this is probably not the greatest advice to offer me or anyone else.
If you are married and concerned about your single friend, ask her (gently) if she is interested in help or advice. If she is looking to date, ask her what specific qualities she is looking for. Then consider those characteristics in the single friends/relatives/co-workers you might consider as potential blind dates. If your single friend is happy in her singleness then be happy right along with her. Enjoy her as a human being who is just fine all on her own. And then let her be the one to bring up her singleness in the future, if she chooses.
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