Confessions of an Instant Mom

I used to love instant soup. Just add water and stir for a minute, then - Voila! - warm, salty goodness in a cup.

That word "instant" now applies to my life. In December of 2012 I became an "instant mom". My husband and I brought home our two daughters after Christmas and immediately became the parents of two Justin-Bieber loving, sparkly pink wearing, elementary students. We just finished the adoption process with these sweet girls.

Pre-kids we were that couple who could watch whatever we want, eat whenever we feel like, go out for ice cream on a whim and who could manage regular afternoon-delights [wink-wink]. Now, we are that family who rarely changes the channel from "tween" shows, we hide our ice cream behind the frozen broccoli, and we plan our lives like bedtime is the only thing that really matters in life.

I love my girls, but it has been a real change for us as a couple. Maybe other moms don't feel this way, but here are some confessions of this instant mom:

1. I'm pretty tired. Even if I get in bed at the right time, I have to get up early enough to get me and the girls ready. My husband is great, but he really isn't that great at picking out clothes that match or fixing hair so that it doesn't look like wild animals are nesting inside of it. That means that by 9:30 p.m. my eyes are drooping. 
2. Girls are a lot more dramatic than I remember being when I was a girl. We have been surprised on numerous occasions so far with just how dramatic girls can be. One might melt into tears because the wrong person was picked to get her hair done first. Or another might melt into tears because we chose the other sister to hit the button to close the garage door. The most recent meltdown happened because one sister was playing a board game by the rules (gasp)! I would never have dreamed that the game Connect Four could be a source of tears. I guess I was wrong. Girl drama can strike at any time. It's a little like a grumpy cobra.
3. I say the word "no" a lot more than I ever imagined. They ask for more stuff and activities than I expected. They grew up in a home filled with poverty and their reaction has been to expect adoption to fix all that disappointment. One thing I want for the girls is to have them grow up to be happy and healthy, with good relationships and a job they enjoy. Each time they ask for something I cringe at the idea that they might grow up to be saddled with credit card debt from trying to fulfill themselves with stuff. Or I imagine how this unpleasant behavior will play out with their future husbands if we don't get a handle on it now. My immediate response is that of Barney Fife: "Nip it in the bud!" 
4. I can see why couples generally start family planning at a younger age. Because children take a lot of energy. And sometimes I don't feel that energetic. And sometimes I even put in a movie I know they'll want to watch just because I need a break.
5. I really like going to the bathroom in peace. And that doesn't happen a lot anymore. I'm surprised by that with elementary age children. I really thought I'd have more bathroom privacy than this. Invariably as soon as I release my bladder I hear "Mom?!" When I don't answer right away I hear "Mom? Mom?! MOM!" until I finally have to yell "I'M IN THE BATHROOM!" Sheesh, can't a mom just have 30 seconds without a question or request?
6. Having children has really changed my relationship with my husband. I refer to him as "dad" more often than I use his real name. Why do I do that? He's not my dad! But, I guess that's how it goes when you have children. Plus we have very little time each day when we can to speak to each other like adults. There are always ears listening. The same children who claim they never heard us tell them to turn the TV off can hear my husband whisper to me that we should eat ice cream after the girls are asleep. From three rooms away. So we've chosen to keep most of our adult conversations in the confines of our bedroom after the girls are both safely tucked to sleep. Which means we have approximately 37 seconds of quality conversation before one or both of us start fighting against droopy eyelids. Plus, my husband and I rarely sit next to each other at meals, on the couch, at the movie theatre or anywhere else. We used to hold hands with one another, but that now only happens in the car…..primarily because neither girl is old enough to ride in the front seat (thank you Jesus for giving us airbags!). Because of our particular adoption situation, the girls are mildly traumatized whenever we leave them with grandparents or a babysitter, so we don't choose to do that very often. Basically I really miss my husband, but we are both deeply committed to working on making more time together during hours when we are fully awake.
7. Ghosts. I didn't believe in them until I adopted. Now we have plenty of ghosts haunting our household. There are ghosts of biological family members, previous foster parents, and ghosts of experiences past. The ghosts aren't always speaking out loud, but they are always lurking. We as parents are sometimes compared to them, our parenting choices are affected by them, the girls' behavior is often driven by them, and we sometimes feel like lashing out at them. And I suspect the ghosts will alway be with us. 
8. I'm appreciating how different adoption is than giving birth. When I was twelve years old I decided I would adopt my children. It has always been part of my plans for life….a God-given purpose. Since that was always my plan I assumed that loving adopted kids would come as naturally to me as someone whose God-given plan was to have children the "old-fashioned way". But I'm realizing more and more just how completely different it truly is. The process of conceiving a child, carrying it inside your body and feeling it grow for nine months, laboring and birthing it, having it feed off of your breast, feeling the child in your arms -- all these wonderful parts of the birth process are designed to make it easy to connect wholly and completely with your children. There is no such process for bonding with children of adoption, especially children adopted when they are "too big to cuddle". We love our children, but fully bonding with them is still sometimes a work-in-progress.
9. My children are hilarious, even if most of their jokes involve farts, poop, or punchlines that make no sense. And sometimes they are unintentionally hilarious in their ditzy questions and mis-use of words.
10. I will be learning how to be a better parent for the rest of my life. There's no manual for how to do this right and I suspect is a process that will never be perfected. So I'll keep plugging away at it, making mistakes and learning what to try differently next time. And maybe the successes will someday outweigh the failures.