How to talk to your single relatives at family gatherings

If you are a follower of this email (or someone who knows me in real life) then you know I was single until I was in my early-30's. If I had lived in a big city that fact probably wouldn't have mattered because I would probably have been in good company. However, I grew up in a small town where most girls were married for a dozen years by the time they hit their thirties. Most of my classmates had several children by the time we got to our ten year class reunion.

I was something of an anomaly, especially within my extended family. All my cousins were married and well into parenting at least a couple of children. Many of my relatives couldn't figure out what to do with my singleness. It seemed to make them uncomfortable and a few even seemed irritated by it. Each family gathering was met with questions like "So (uncomfortable pause) are you seeing anyone?" or "When are you going to finally settle down?" or "Are you a lesbian or something?"

I came to dread family gatherings where I was certain to end up hiding in the bathroom.

Some of you may have single people in your family. Here is a helpful guide to how to talk to your single relatives this holiday season:

1. Your single relative may have many reasons for his or her choice. Perhaps they are dating someone but don't feel comfortable bringing them to a family gathering. Some people feel they should only bring "the one" to family functions so they don't have to deal with awkward questions if there is a break-up. Others don't want to expose new relationships to their family gathering for fear of their new boyfriend/girlfriend being scared away by that one strange uncle/aunt/cousin. Or maybe they are single by choice. Like perhaps they wish to take a break from dating for some reason. It could be that your loved one just suffered a lousy break-up and doesn't want to talk about it. Whatever the case, there are very few people who genuinely need to know about your single relative's dating status. You probably aren't one of those people, so it's best just to keep your trap shut.
2. "If I can't ask about dating status, what other conversation topics could possibly fill that awkward void?" You might be surprised to read this, but single people are just as interesting as married people (often more so, actually). You could ask about their job, where they live, the football/basketball/baseball game you recently watched, what books they are reading, which movies they have enjoyed lately, their hobbies, their pets, their recent travels, and countless other topics. Single people often have a lot to talk about that isn't at all related to dating. You might even find them to have a lot in common with you!
3. Avoid suggesting dating options at all costs. Your single relative is certainly aware of dating websites. They most likely are NOT interested in a blind date with your neighbor/youth pastor/insurance representative/random single friend. In fact, unless they have asked you to set them up with someone, avoid the topic altogether. For many single adults the words "blind date" cause them to shudder in fear. Likely they have been on multiple such dates with no success…and for many, these dates were terrible, awkward failures.
4. Also avoid doling out advice. If your single relative has just suffered a cruel break-up, he or she doesn't need a lecture on just "getting out there". Similarly, your single relative doesn't need your advice on how to improve their attractiveness or any aspect of their character. If you aren't a licensed life coach, then you should probably just keep all that unsolicited advice to yourself. Choosing to give such advice will usually be met with an eye twitch and the words "Excuse me while I freshen up my drink (i.e., something with a high percentage of alcohol)."

I am sure many of you are well-meaning in your questions or perhaps you're just curious. If you don't know about your relative's dating status then you probably aren't in their "inner circle of friends". There might be a reason for that -- prodding and poking around will not improve that situation. Just resolve to let it go and be pleasantly surprised when you receive their wedding announcement someday.