How to talk with that childless couple you know

My husband and I chose to be childless for the first seven years of our marriage. We were in our mid-30's when we got married and wanted to really enjoy a long honeymoon period before changing that dynamic with children. Since we were more mature when entering marriage we had watched most of our friends as their marriages changed dramatically when children came along. We certainly wanted to be good and ready when that happened.

During the time period between our wedding and bringing our children home, we were met with a lot of questions. "When are you going to start a family?" "Are we going to hear the pitter-patter of little feet soon?" "Are you pregnant?" ("No, this outfit just makes me look fat…") "You know that you're getting close to 40…those eggs aren't going to last forever."

My husband and I have children now, so we aren't subject to these questions anymore. However, I thought I might write a helpful guide for talking with that childless couple you know:

1. You are smitten with your own children (or maybe just fully-broken to the fact that they suck away all your energy and money) and you can't imagine why your friend/relative/co-worker/church acquaintance/random stranger doesn't have children, too. Before you open your mouth, stop and consider that this childless couple might have uncomfortable reasons for their childlessness. Perhaps they have chosen not to have children -- or perhaps Mother Nature has chosen for them through infertility. In any event, it's really none-of-your-business.
2. Avoid yammering on and on about your children around them. If they are childless due to infertility then your stories are probably really painful to hear because it is another reminder of what they wish they had. If they are childless by choice, well they are probably just as bored by your stories about your children as you are by their stories about their cats.
3.  They really don't need advice on infertility. So just stop it. Don't tell them about that friend of yours who tried for years to have a baby and finally got pregnant after she stopped trying. They don't need anyone making them feel like it's their fault for trying too hard to get pregnant. For many couples who have struggled with infertility, it has been a quiet struggle over the course of YEARS. Your suggestion to "stop trying" will feel like a slap in the face. They also don't need to know about your cousin's neighbor's successful fertility treatments. Undoubtedly, your childless friend has researched (and maybe even tried) a whole host of options to get pregnant. Everyone's fertility situation is different and what works for one person might not work for another. This is a highly personal decision and should not be open to suggestions.
4. They also don't need you to tell them they should consider adoption. While I am obviously a big fan of adoption (I knew at age twelve that I would adopt my children -- then I grew up and did it) I whole-heartedly believe that adoption isn't for everyone. It is challenging and sometimes painful to parent someone else's children. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and it is definitely NOT for the person who is attempting to "replace" the child their womb can't "produce".
5. That childless couple you know really REALLY doesn't need you to say things like "You're so lucky not to have kids. I wish I could still do (fill-in-the-blank) like I could before I had kids." That may be true for you, but I'm sure that if your childless friend has struggled for years to have a baby, they would trade just about anything for the chance to be a parent.
6. Don't assume your childless friend(s) dislikes children. Before I had children of my own I had worked for twelve years with children. I love babies and toddlers and children. Just because someone isn't Old Mother Hubbard doesn't mean they dislike children or are afraid of them. Some of the coolest aunts/uncles I know are the ones who don't have any kids and can lavish their "extra" money and time on nieces and nephews. Since they aren't financially and emotionally exhausted from their own tykes, these cool aunts/uncles have the energy and resources to thoroughly spoil kids….and to enjoy handing the aforementioned spoiled child(ren) back to their parents afterward (usually full of sugar).

If you aren't sure what someone's situation is, it's generally just best to keep your questions and comments to yourself -- especially if you aren't in their inner circle of friends. They may have very painful feelings on this topic or maybe they're just tired of having to defend their choices. Whatever the situation you would be better off to silently speculate on their situation and keep your comments inside your head.