An Introvert's Guide to Better Conversations
I'm an introvert. For those of you who knew me back when, you already know this because I was one of a small number of introverts in my class and stuck out like a sore thumb. Some of you know that I love talking about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (I'm an INTJ, in case you wondered) and have heard me share often about my introversion.
According to Myers-Briggs, a person who is an introvert receives energy from time spent in more reflective activities focused on their inner world. They prefer doing things alone or with one or two people they feel comfortable with. They take time to reflect and observe, before taking action. They can be seen as reserved or quiet and many mistake them for being shy. An introvert will be slower to speak in a group, often only speaking up if their thought is important enough to take the risk of speaking up. Being around others can be taxing to the introvert who then requires time to recharge their social batteries.
Because introverts are so inward focused and not comfortable in crowded settings or making small talk with people they don't know well, conversations can be stressful and challenging. I have worked primarily in social settings where being overly-introverted ran contrary to my job description. It was a do-or-die situation to become more comfortable with conversational skills that came easy to my extroverted workmates. Over the years, I have had to practice some skills to enter and maintain conversations, and I've grown much more comfortable with social settings that would have left me in the fetal position twenty years ago.
Meeting New People
Interacting with new people or (gasp!) initiating conversations is very taxing to the typical introvert. But, here are a few tried-and-true tips I have found to be successful in most situations.
Tip #1
Compliments -- The most hardcore introvert doesn't love compliments due to the awkwardness of knowing how to respond (Do I say "thank you" or think of something to compliment them on -- or is it better to downplay the thing they complimented? Should I just run away?) However, most people love to be complimented. Flattery goes a long way toward friendship. So, when you need to initiate a conversation, start with a compliment. Here are the steps:
Step #1 -- Introverts are great at observing before they jump in, so observe your conversational target and choose something about them that you genuinely do like or appreciate, like their rad shirt, snazzy shoes, fabulous handbag, cool haircut, trendy glasses, or something else easily visible.
Step #2 -- Get into their line of sight and look from the admired object to the person's face, then say "That's a really cool [fill-in-the-blank]" or "I love your [fill-in-the-blank]."
Step #3 -- After they say "thank you", follow up with a question or a comment that takes it a step further and gives room for them to answer with more than a couple of words. Example: "I'd love to get one like it for my [fill-in-the-blank person in your life -- preferably not someone that will sound like you're insulting the person]" or "I saw something like it on vacation last year [only use this if true]."
Step #4 -- Hopefully the other person will respond and you can ask a follow-up question about that to keep the conversation going. If they say "I got it at a little shop downtown called The Chic Boutique." you could respond with "I've seen that place but never had time to stop in. I will definitely have to check it out next time I'm downtown."
Step #5 -- Introduce yourself and maybe give a little more info that could lead to a different conversational topic. "By the way, my name is [fill-in-the-blank]. My friend is hosting this networking group and invited me."
Step #6 -- Hope that the other person gives an opening to respond in kind and continue the conversation.
Tip #2
Ask a Question -- Most people aren't rude and will engage in a conversation long enough to answer a question. This is a low-risk way to initiate a conversation and see if it opens up to something bigger. They may answer in a way that opens the conversation up to go deeper or they may answer in a curt way that shows they aren't interested. No worries if they don't want to converse, they just aren't someone with long-term potential as your friendship soulmate.
Step #1 -- Think of a question that's not obvious or stupid that you could ask...preferably something relevant to the space you're in. If it seems they're "regulars" in this setting, ask a question that a newcomer might typically ask, like "Have you been to this networking group before?" When they indicate a "yes" answer follow with, "This is my first time at this group. Do you if newcomers are supposed to introduce themselves and their business during the formal part of the meeting?"
Step #2 -- If they answer in a way that gives an indication they might be friendly or open to talking more, introduce yourself and how you got involved with the group or event. If it's a party, say how you know the host. This gives space for them to respond by sharing how they got connected, too.
Step #3 -- Continue the conversation by commenting about the event, like the music that's playing, the caterer who provided the food, the venue, etc. Choose something you can talk more about, like if the caterer is from a restaurant you love or the music is from a band you saw in concert once.
Step #4 -- The conversation will either flow naturally or it won't. If it doesn't flow naturally, end with a "It was nice to meet you" ending to be polite and then look for another friendly-looking target to try next.
Tip #3
Join an Activity-Based Group -- If you really aren't sure how to start conversations, an activity-based group might be a good way to meet new people without a lot of discomfort. Find something you're interested in or good at then join a group where others are doing that activity together. Here's a good example: If you're interested in art, join an art class. Every member of your class will have their art projects and what they're learning as a springboard for natural conversation. The same is true for clubs or sports teams with a common purpose. You'll naturally talk about the shared experience of the group or the common goal you're working toward together. The first couple of sessions or practices might be awkward as you feel out the group and find your niche within it, but in general the conversations that flow around the common activity will be easy to initiate and maintain comfortably.
______________________________
Here's what I have learned about initiating despite my unease with initiating: Most people aren't going home and journaling about the conversations that fell flat or the weird introverts who tried to introduce themselves. Even though it feels risky in the moment, trying to have conversations with new people really is very low-risk because the other person in the conversation isn't nearly as focused on your discomfort as you are. In fact, they probably won't even notice that you felt or acted awkward. Truly, unless your nerves make you vomit or pass out, your self-perceived flub probably won't even register on their radar or be memorable for even a few seconds after they walk away from you. The more you practice those less-preferred extrovert parts of your personality, the more comfortable you'll become using those skills. It's like someone who broke their dominant hand and has to temporarily use their non-dominant hand for writing or other tasks. In the beginning, their writing is slow and labored, with an end product that looks like a kindergartener's handwriting. But after a few days or weeks of practice, most people become fluent enough at writing with their non-dominant hand that others don't even notice it wasn't natural or preferred. Your introvert use of extrovert skills is exactly like that, so get out there and start practicing!
According to Myers-Briggs, a person who is an introvert receives energy from time spent in more reflective activities focused on their inner world. They prefer doing things alone or with one or two people they feel comfortable with. They take time to reflect and observe, before taking action. They can be seen as reserved or quiet and many mistake them for being shy. An introvert will be slower to speak in a group, often only speaking up if their thought is important enough to take the risk of speaking up. Being around others can be taxing to the introvert who then requires time to recharge their social batteries.
Because introverts are so inward focused and not comfortable in crowded settings or making small talk with people they don't know well, conversations can be stressful and challenging. I have worked primarily in social settings where being overly-introverted ran contrary to my job description. It was a do-or-die situation to become more comfortable with conversational skills that came easy to my extroverted workmates. Over the years, I have had to practice some skills to enter and maintain conversations, and I've grown much more comfortable with social settings that would have left me in the fetal position twenty years ago.
Meeting New People
Interacting with new people or (gasp!) initiating conversations is very taxing to the typical introvert. But, here are a few tried-and-true tips I have found to be successful in most situations.
Tip #1
Compliments -- The most hardcore introvert doesn't love compliments due to the awkwardness of knowing how to respond (Do I say "thank you" or think of something to compliment them on -- or is it better to downplay the thing they complimented? Should I just run away?) However, most people love to be complimented. Flattery goes a long way toward friendship. So, when you need to initiate a conversation, start with a compliment. Here are the steps:
Step #1 -- Introverts are great at observing before they jump in, so observe your conversational target and choose something about them that you genuinely do like or appreciate, like their rad shirt, snazzy shoes, fabulous handbag, cool haircut, trendy glasses, or something else easily visible.
Step #2 -- Get into their line of sight and look from the admired object to the person's face, then say "That's a really cool [fill-in-the-blank]" or "I love your [fill-in-the-blank]."
Step #3 -- After they say "thank you", follow up with a question or a comment that takes it a step further and gives room for them to answer with more than a couple of words. Example: "I'd love to get one like it for my [fill-in-the-blank person in your life -- preferably not someone that will sound like you're insulting the person]" or "I saw something like it on vacation last year [only use this if true]."
Step #4 -- Hopefully the other person will respond and you can ask a follow-up question about that to keep the conversation going. If they say "I got it at a little shop downtown called The Chic Boutique." you could respond with "I've seen that place but never had time to stop in. I will definitely have to check it out next time I'm downtown."
Step #5 -- Introduce yourself and maybe give a little more info that could lead to a different conversational topic. "By the way, my name is [fill-in-the-blank]. My friend is hosting this networking group and invited me."
Step #6 -- Hope that the other person gives an opening to respond in kind and continue the conversation.
Tip #2
Ask a Question -- Most people aren't rude and will engage in a conversation long enough to answer a question. This is a low-risk way to initiate a conversation and see if it opens up to something bigger. They may answer in a way that opens the conversation up to go deeper or they may answer in a curt way that shows they aren't interested. No worries if they don't want to converse, they just aren't someone with long-term potential as your friendship soulmate.
Step #1 -- Think of a question that's not obvious or stupid that you could ask...preferably something relevant to the space you're in. If it seems they're "regulars" in this setting, ask a question that a newcomer might typically ask, like "Have you been to this networking group before?" When they indicate a "yes" answer follow with, "This is my first time at this group. Do you if newcomers are supposed to introduce themselves and their business during the formal part of the meeting?"
Step #2 -- If they answer in a way that gives an indication they might be friendly or open to talking more, introduce yourself and how you got involved with the group or event. If it's a party, say how you know the host. This gives space for them to respond by sharing how they got connected, too.
Step #3 -- Continue the conversation by commenting about the event, like the music that's playing, the caterer who provided the food, the venue, etc. Choose something you can talk more about, like if the caterer is from a restaurant you love or the music is from a band you saw in concert once.
Step #4 -- The conversation will either flow naturally or it won't. If it doesn't flow naturally, end with a "It was nice to meet you" ending to be polite and then look for another friendly-looking target to try next.
Tip #3
Join an Activity-Based Group -- If you really aren't sure how to start conversations, an activity-based group might be a good way to meet new people without a lot of discomfort. Find something you're interested in or good at then join a group where others are doing that activity together. Here's a good example: If you're interested in art, join an art class. Every member of your class will have their art projects and what they're learning as a springboard for natural conversation. The same is true for clubs or sports teams with a common purpose. You'll naturally talk about the shared experience of the group or the common goal you're working toward together. The first couple of sessions or practices might be awkward as you feel out the group and find your niche within it, but in general the conversations that flow around the common activity will be easy to initiate and maintain comfortably.
______________________________
Here's what I have learned about initiating despite my unease with initiating: Most people aren't going home and journaling about the conversations that fell flat or the weird introverts who tried to introduce themselves. Even though it feels risky in the moment, trying to have conversations with new people really is very low-risk because the other person in the conversation isn't nearly as focused on your discomfort as you are. In fact, they probably won't even notice that you felt or acted awkward. Truly, unless your nerves make you vomit or pass out, your self-perceived flub probably won't even register on their radar or be memorable for even a few seconds after they walk away from you. The more you practice those less-preferred extrovert parts of your personality, the more comfortable you'll become using those skills. It's like someone who broke their dominant hand and has to temporarily use their non-dominant hand for writing or other tasks. In the beginning, their writing is slow and labored, with an end product that looks like a kindergartener's handwriting. But after a few days or weeks of practice, most people become fluent enough at writing with their non-dominant hand that others don't even notice it wasn't natural or preferred. Your introvert use of extrovert skills is exactly like that, so get out there and start practicing!
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