Excuse me while I stand on this soapbox
Most of the time I understand others. I can put myself in the shoes of the other person and understand just a little of the motivation behind the choice they made. Generally I can feel enough empathy to muster some compassion. It is especially easy to muster compassion when the person involved doesn't know Jesus. They're blind to the Truth, ignorant of hope, and unable to understand genuine love.
But then there are times when I hear news (or read it in my newsfeed) that makes me scratch my head. I can't wrap my mind around the choice that was made, the brokenness that was brought about through an intentional choice to do wrong. In those moments I find compassion has left the building, leaving a heaping helping of anger in its place.
Today is the day to get on a soapbox. If you aren't follower of Christ, you can keep reading, but this blog isn't written for you. Come back and re-read it after you've decided to follow Jesus. If, however, you are a professed Christ-follower, then buckle your seatbelt and get ready to either be deeply offended or to shout an "amen".
God has a plan for your life. That plan doesn't involve jumping from relationship to relationship, leaving behind a wake of heartbreak. Especially if you have children. God designed us for permanence. Leaving your mother and father to cleave together with your spouse until death parts you. The benefits are obvious -- no STD's, no broken hearts, and no alimony/child support payments. You also have a family where children can be happy and healthy in the knowledge that they are loved by parents who have their best interests at heart. Happy marriages also improve our mental health and studies have shown that people in happy marriages do better financially.
To have a happy, healthy marriage you must choose wisely going into it. If you choose a loser then he will remain a loser in marriage. If you marry a witch, she will remain a witch in marriage. If he has a substance abuse problem, he will continue to abuse substances in marriage. Do you see the pattern? You get what you marry. Only by the grace of God do broken people get better, but it definitely isn't a guarantee that you'll get anything different in marriage than what you had before marriage.
After you get married you have to be committed to it. Many people have come to see the wedding day as just a fun party, but devoid of any real significance. Marriage, to some, is no different than living together. But when you speak those vows on your wedding day, you are making a promise to your spouse -- a promise you aren't supposed to break when you hit a bump in the road or when it doesn't feel super fun anymore. Life isn't easy, so why should marriage be a walk in the park all the time? You can't just give up at the first or second or tenth sign of trouble. Life is going to offer you lots of trouble over your lifetime, so you'd better figure out how to survive and thrive when trouble finds you. A happy marriage requires that both people are absolutely, no-matter-what-happens committed to making it work. Guess what? It isn't always easy in marriage, but when I give 100% of myself and he gives 100% of himself then we are able to walk together through 100% of the things that come our way. This requires communication, honesty, openness, generosity, integrity, selflessness, and genuine love.
Commitment means that you are there for your spouse when money is tight, when he loses his job, when he struggles emotionally, and when his health fails. It means that he is committed to you when your body changes after giving birth or when gravity causes your boobs to sag. He is committed when you say "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" or when the stress of your job is piled high.
Another thing commitment means is that you are no longer playing the dating game. You don't get to flirt with other people or have sexual escapades outside of your marriage relationship. Saying "I do" means you no longer look for other options on a Friday night. Things might be hard in marriage and it may have been a while since you last felt like being intimate with your husband. Having someone new flirt with you might make you feel fireworks….but watch out or you'll destroy your whole life with those fireworks. Is a romp in the sack really worth destroying your children's lives? Is it really worth the risk that your children might never emotionally recover from your poor choices? Is it worth the chance that your children will model your same poor choices?
I know that some people have been raised in crappy situations where they saw nothing but broken relationships and selfishness. If that was you, then I'm sorry that was the example set for you. However, you don't have to repeat history. Learn from what you saw and choose something different for yourself. Choose commitment, selflessness and genuine love. If you're not sure what that looks like, start talking to people you know whose happy marriages have stood the test of time. Or get some counseling for yourself and your spouse. And keep getting counseling until you can both see yourselves 100% committed to your marriage. God created you for something more than heartbreak. Don't choose Hell on earth, because that's not what God created for your life.
End of soapbox.
Addendum:
I'd like to clarify something for my sweet friends out there who tried desperately to make their marriages work, who gave 100% of themselves only to meet disappointment and betrayal. I'm not saying that divorce isn't the right choice in some circumstances. I've known women (and a few men) who went into marriage thinking they had done all the right things, only to find out later that their spouse had been hiding a dark side. After saying "I do" the person found themselves in what can best be described as a hostage situation. Their spouse brought them abuse, terror, hatred, betrayal, roller coaster emotions, and worse. These marriages are certainly not what God has in mind. Nor does God intend for us to stay with a spouse who has wholly given up on the relationship and refuses to work on it. I have known both women and men who found themselves in that situation. They begged and pleaded for their spouse to attend counseling with them, only to be refused. Or how about the person whose spouse has found someone else to love? Certainly God doesn't intend for us to stay committed to someone who has given us up for someone else. In these kinds of cases where one person has given up on their wedding vows (or never meant them in the first place), I believe that divorce is the only option.
But then there are times when I hear news (or read it in my newsfeed) that makes me scratch my head. I can't wrap my mind around the choice that was made, the brokenness that was brought about through an intentional choice to do wrong. In those moments I find compassion has left the building, leaving a heaping helping of anger in its place.
Today is the day to get on a soapbox. If you aren't follower of Christ, you can keep reading, but this blog isn't written for you. Come back and re-read it after you've decided to follow Jesus. If, however, you are a professed Christ-follower, then buckle your seatbelt and get ready to either be deeply offended or to shout an "amen".
God has a plan for your life. That plan doesn't involve jumping from relationship to relationship, leaving behind a wake of heartbreak. Especially if you have children. God designed us for permanence. Leaving your mother and father to cleave together with your spouse until death parts you. The benefits are obvious -- no STD's, no broken hearts, and no alimony/child support payments. You also have a family where children can be happy and healthy in the knowledge that they are loved by parents who have their best interests at heart. Happy marriages also improve our mental health and studies have shown that people in happy marriages do better financially.
To have a happy, healthy marriage you must choose wisely going into it. If you choose a loser then he will remain a loser in marriage. If you marry a witch, she will remain a witch in marriage. If he has a substance abuse problem, he will continue to abuse substances in marriage. Do you see the pattern? You get what you marry. Only by the grace of God do broken people get better, but it definitely isn't a guarantee that you'll get anything different in marriage than what you had before marriage.
After you get married you have to be committed to it. Many people have come to see the wedding day as just a fun party, but devoid of any real significance. Marriage, to some, is no different than living together. But when you speak those vows on your wedding day, you are making a promise to your spouse -- a promise you aren't supposed to break when you hit a bump in the road or when it doesn't feel super fun anymore. Life isn't easy, so why should marriage be a walk in the park all the time? You can't just give up at the first or second or tenth sign of trouble. Life is going to offer you lots of trouble over your lifetime, so you'd better figure out how to survive and thrive when trouble finds you. A happy marriage requires that both people are absolutely, no-matter-what-happens committed to making it work. Guess what? It isn't always easy in marriage, but when I give 100% of myself and he gives 100% of himself then we are able to walk together through 100% of the things that come our way. This requires communication, honesty, openness, generosity, integrity, selflessness, and genuine love.
Commitment means that you are there for your spouse when money is tight, when he loses his job, when he struggles emotionally, and when his health fails. It means that he is committed to you when your body changes after giving birth or when gravity causes your boobs to sag. He is committed when you say "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" or when the stress of your job is piled high.
Another thing commitment means is that you are no longer playing the dating game. You don't get to flirt with other people or have sexual escapades outside of your marriage relationship. Saying "I do" means you no longer look for other options on a Friday night. Things might be hard in marriage and it may have been a while since you last felt like being intimate with your husband. Having someone new flirt with you might make you feel fireworks….but watch out or you'll destroy your whole life with those fireworks. Is a romp in the sack really worth destroying your children's lives? Is it really worth the risk that your children might never emotionally recover from your poor choices? Is it worth the chance that your children will model your same poor choices?
I know that some people have been raised in crappy situations where they saw nothing but broken relationships and selfishness. If that was you, then I'm sorry that was the example set for you. However, you don't have to repeat history. Learn from what you saw and choose something different for yourself. Choose commitment, selflessness and genuine love. If you're not sure what that looks like, start talking to people you know whose happy marriages have stood the test of time. Or get some counseling for yourself and your spouse. And keep getting counseling until you can both see yourselves 100% committed to your marriage. God created you for something more than heartbreak. Don't choose Hell on earth, because that's not what God created for your life.
End of soapbox.
Addendum:
I'd like to clarify something for my sweet friends out there who tried desperately to make their marriages work, who gave 100% of themselves only to meet disappointment and betrayal. I'm not saying that divorce isn't the right choice in some circumstances. I've known women (and a few men) who went into marriage thinking they had done all the right things, only to find out later that their spouse had been hiding a dark side. After saying "I do" the person found themselves in what can best be described as a hostage situation. Their spouse brought them abuse, terror, hatred, betrayal, roller coaster emotions, and worse. These marriages are certainly not what God has in mind. Nor does God intend for us to stay with a spouse who has wholly given up on the relationship and refuses to work on it. I have known both women and men who found themselves in that situation. They begged and pleaded for their spouse to attend counseling with them, only to be refused. Or how about the person whose spouse has found someone else to love? Certainly God doesn't intend for us to stay committed to someone who has given us up for someone else. In these kinds of cases where one person has given up on their wedding vows (or never meant them in the first place), I believe that divorce is the only option.
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