Life isn't like a romantic comedy
I love romantic comedies. My favorites are "You've Got Mail" and "Return to Me". I also love classic romance stories, like "Pride and Prejudice", "Sense and Sensibility", and "Anne of Green Gables". I grew up watching these types of movies (sometimes over and over) and they always gave me the same warm, hopeful feeling about love.
Unfortunately, they also gave me a very skewed picture of love and romance. Real love stories don't usually look like the ones in movies. They rarely are so dramatic.
Romantic comedies shaped my view of love for many years. As an impressionable tween, I watched "Anne of Green Gables" many times -- and later used it as the reason I was certain a particular guy at my school would surely fall in love with me someday. If I just waited long enough our friendship would turn to romance. It didn't.
Same thing with the very romantic-feeling story I had with a certain helicopter pilot. We had a very romantic few dates (or so they seemed at the time) and then he left town on a deployment. He would periodically show up in town and would "announce" himself by buzzing my house with his helicopter. The whole thing felt like something Hollywood had written and I was certain it would end happily ever after. It didn't.
I wasted a lot of time on relationships that seemed at the time like a romantic movie. But they were all a waste of time. Eventually, I read an amazing book, "Finding the Love of your Life" by Neil Clark Warren (who happens to be the founder of e-Harmony). He gave ten very practical principles for finding true love. One of his principles really stuck with me. Dr. Warren suggested that if we want to find our true match in life we needed to determine our must-haves and the things we won't accept in a future spouse. He suggested making a list.
I took Dr. Warren's advice and wrote a list. I ended up with a list of about 20 items. The very few people who knew I had a list thought that my list was (a) a little silly and (b) too lengthy. They thought I was unrealistic and would end up single forever if I was waiting for such a specific person to come along. I prayed over my list and prayed for the man who would fulfill it. It was a long wait. A really long wait.
When I was introduced to my husband by some mutual friends I didn't think he fit the list. As we spent time talking and getting to know him better, I started to realize how many items on the list he fulfilled. I fell in love with him when I figured out he was all 20 items on the list -- and then some.
My list wasn't full of silly items. It included things that were important:
- Must be actively involved in church (I married a pastor)
- Must be interested in adoption (this ended up being a mutual interest and we now have two children adopted through the foster care system)
- Must have a strong work ethic (my husband is very hard-working, reliable, and has a lot of integrity in his work)
- Must love to travel (since meeting each other eight years ago we have traveled to over 20 states together)
The fruit of my list wasn't just that I got lucky. I waited until I got what I was looking for. I didn't settle for less. I know I wouldn't have been happy with a man who attended church only because I made him. Marriage would have been challenging if we hadn't 100% agreed on the choice to adopt our children. How frustrating would my life be if I had married a man who couldn't hold down a job?
Marriage still takes work, even though my husband and I have a lot in common. However, all those commonalities certainly make it easier. We enjoy life together because we enjoy so many of the same things. It isn't a burden to watch college football with him, because I love college football. There's no sigh of frustration when he suggests yet another road trip because I love to take road trips.
I know many people who are frustrated in marriage. They try to change their spouse to become more "acceptable". How sad that they settled for someone who is so frustrating to them. Too often people are blinded by attraction during dating and don't consider what they really want in a spouse. By the time they walk down the aisle it is too late.
If you're reading this and you're still single -- or single again -- perhaps it's time to decide our must haves and you're list of things you refuse to accept in a spouse. And then start asking God to bless the list.
Unfortunately, they also gave me a very skewed picture of love and romance. Real love stories don't usually look like the ones in movies. They rarely are so dramatic.
Romantic comedies shaped my view of love for many years. As an impressionable tween, I watched "Anne of Green Gables" many times -- and later used it as the reason I was certain a particular guy at my school would surely fall in love with me someday. If I just waited long enough our friendship would turn to romance. It didn't.
Same thing with the very romantic-feeling story I had with a certain helicopter pilot. We had a very romantic few dates (or so they seemed at the time) and then he left town on a deployment. He would periodically show up in town and would "announce" himself by buzzing my house with his helicopter. The whole thing felt like something Hollywood had written and I was certain it would end happily ever after. It didn't.
I wasted a lot of time on relationships that seemed at the time like a romantic movie. But they were all a waste of time. Eventually, I read an amazing book, "Finding the Love of your Life" by Neil Clark Warren (who happens to be the founder of e-Harmony). He gave ten very practical principles for finding true love. One of his principles really stuck with me. Dr. Warren suggested that if we want to find our true match in life we needed to determine our must-haves and the things we won't accept in a future spouse. He suggested making a list.
I took Dr. Warren's advice and wrote a list. I ended up with a list of about 20 items. The very few people who knew I had a list thought that my list was (a) a little silly and (b) too lengthy. They thought I was unrealistic and would end up single forever if I was waiting for such a specific person to come along. I prayed over my list and prayed for the man who would fulfill it. It was a long wait. A really long wait.
When I was introduced to my husband by some mutual friends I didn't think he fit the list. As we spent time talking and getting to know him better, I started to realize how many items on the list he fulfilled. I fell in love with him when I figured out he was all 20 items on the list -- and then some.
My list wasn't full of silly items. It included things that were important:
- Must be actively involved in church (I married a pastor)
- Must be interested in adoption (this ended up being a mutual interest and we now have two children adopted through the foster care system)
- Must have a strong work ethic (my husband is very hard-working, reliable, and has a lot of integrity in his work)
- Must love to travel (since meeting each other eight years ago we have traveled to over 20 states together)
The fruit of my list wasn't just that I got lucky. I waited until I got what I was looking for. I didn't settle for less. I know I wouldn't have been happy with a man who attended church only because I made him. Marriage would have been challenging if we hadn't 100% agreed on the choice to adopt our children. How frustrating would my life be if I had married a man who couldn't hold down a job?
Marriage still takes work, even though my husband and I have a lot in common. However, all those commonalities certainly make it easier. We enjoy life together because we enjoy so many of the same things. It isn't a burden to watch college football with him, because I love college football. There's no sigh of frustration when he suggests yet another road trip because I love to take road trips.
I know many people who are frustrated in marriage. They try to change their spouse to become more "acceptable". How sad that they settled for someone who is so frustrating to them. Too often people are blinded by attraction during dating and don't consider what they really want in a spouse. By the time they walk down the aisle it is too late.
If you're reading this and you're still single -- or single again -- perhaps it's time to decide our must haves and you're list of things you refuse to accept in a spouse. And then start asking God to bless the list.
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