I wanna know what love is….
When I was in seventh grade I was in "love" with a boy who didn't love me back. It didn't seem fair that I could feel so strongly about someone who didn't like me even a little bit in return. During that time period, a little band called Foreigner released a song titled "I Wanna Know What Love Is" and I endlessly listened to that song on repeat as I sobbed into my pillow each night. My feelings seemed desperately burdensome as I wallowed in that lonesome tween misery.
This week I have been pondering what love is, just like the song. Only, I keep coming up with what love is not.
I love my husband. A lot. I like him more than pretty much anyone else on the planet.
Here's the thing, though, I don't own him and he doesn't own me. We are 100% connected, but also 100% still independent human beings with our own interests and friends. My husband supports my hobbies and helps make my friends a priority and I do the same for him. Those hobbies and interests are some of the things I fell in love with when I met my husband. I celebrate my husband's victories, even if they have nothing to do with me. He does the same for my successes. Our relationship is full of mutual love and respect. We truly love each other, which means that we love (or at least support) the things that the other person enjoys.
I have watched plenty of people over the years who say they love another person but in practical terms they don't actually seem to enjoy anything about their "lover". For example, I once knew someone who started dating a woman and it changed his whole life within a matter of weeks. Within the first month of their relationship he had ceased doing all the things he loved. Soon after, he started ending one friendship after another, giving the excuse that his new lady friend didn't approve of his friends. He even began to question his family's love for him, easily making excuses to pull away from his family relationships.
As I watched that relationship unfold, what should have been "young love" seemed more like a series of red flags. The woman in question wanted all his attention, all his time, and most of his resources. She demanded his affection at all times and complained loudly when he had obligations with friends, family or his hobbies. One by one, each of those things fell to the wayside until all that was left was a man enslaved to his dating relationship.
And that's not what love is.
If someone genuinely loves you, then they love YOU and all of what that means. They love you by supporting your relationships with friends and family. They love you by encouraging you to have hobbies you enjoy. They love you by celebrating your wins in life and standing beside you during your losses.
Paul, the guy who wrote most of the letters in the Bible, got it right when he described love to the people of the church in Corinth. He said: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV)
If your "love" doesn't sound anything like what Paul describes then you might be in an abusive relationship. Here are some warning signs according to the Santa Clara University Wellness Center:
1) Too good to be true: In the courtship period, is he/she "sweeping you off your feet." If he/she appears to be too good to be true, he/she most likely is. Has your partner become totally preoccupied with you, such as calling you every hour just to "hear your voice," leaving and picking you up at work, doing things and activities you were doing for yourself, and thus taking charge of your life?
This week I have been pondering what love is, just like the song. Only, I keep coming up with what love is not.
I love my husband. A lot. I like him more than pretty much anyone else on the planet.
Here's the thing, though, I don't own him and he doesn't own me. We are 100% connected, but also 100% still independent human beings with our own interests and friends. My husband supports my hobbies and helps make my friends a priority and I do the same for him. Those hobbies and interests are some of the things I fell in love with when I met my husband. I celebrate my husband's victories, even if they have nothing to do with me. He does the same for my successes. Our relationship is full of mutual love and respect. We truly love each other, which means that we love (or at least support) the things that the other person enjoys.
I have watched plenty of people over the years who say they love another person but in practical terms they don't actually seem to enjoy anything about their "lover". For example, I once knew someone who started dating a woman and it changed his whole life within a matter of weeks. Within the first month of their relationship he had ceased doing all the things he loved. Soon after, he started ending one friendship after another, giving the excuse that his new lady friend didn't approve of his friends. He even began to question his family's love for him, easily making excuses to pull away from his family relationships.
As I watched that relationship unfold, what should have been "young love" seemed more like a series of red flags. The woman in question wanted all his attention, all his time, and most of his resources. She demanded his affection at all times and complained loudly when he had obligations with friends, family or his hobbies. One by one, each of those things fell to the wayside until all that was left was a man enslaved to his dating relationship.
And that's not what love is.
If someone genuinely loves you, then they love YOU and all of what that means. They love you by supporting your relationships with friends and family. They love you by encouraging you to have hobbies you enjoy. They love you by celebrating your wins in life and standing beside you during your losses.
Paul, the guy who wrote most of the letters in the Bible, got it right when he described love to the people of the church in Corinth. He said: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV)
If your "love" doesn't sound anything like what Paul describes then you might be in an abusive relationship. Here are some warning signs according to the Santa Clara University Wellness Center:
1) Too good to be true: In the courtship period, is he/she "sweeping you off your feet." If he/she appears to be too good to be true, he/she most likely is. Has your partner become totally preoccupied with you, such as calling you every hour just to "hear your voice," leaving and picking you up at work, doing things and activities you were doing for yourself, and thus taking charge of your life?
2) Temper outbursts: Does your partner have outbursts of temper, such as cussing, throwing things or kicking doors., not necessarily directed towards you, but towards anybody or anything?.
3) Violent or demeaning language: Does your partner use derogatory terms for other people such as, "broad," "chick," or "slut, etc.?
4) Sexist attitude: Does your partner have strong ideas about the place and position of women vs. men? For instance, does he insist that "women should know their place" or does she say that men have to act a certain way in relationships to "prove they care"?
5) Insults: Does your partner put you down for your opinions or laugh at what you believe in? Does he/she make you feel stupid, ignorant, or incompetent?
6) Psychological abuse: Does your partner make comments such as, "You're no good." Does he/she make you feel that you can't do anything right or that you can't get along in the world without his/her help?
7) Ridicule: Does your partner make fun of you alone or in other people's presence?
8) Rage for past relationships: Notice how your partner talks about their ex- or previous dates. Is there a quality of rage in their anger towards a previous relationship and does he/she call the past partner names or use other insulting terms? Remember that later your partner will most likely be turning the same intensity of rage and insult towards you.
9) Abusive background: Was your partner battered as a child or did he/she see his/her mother or sisters being hit as a child? If so, your partner may need a good bit of counseling before they can be free of this cycle of violence.
10) Blaming others: Does your partner have a habit of blaming others for what he/she does or what happens to him/her?
11) Alcohol and drug abuse: Does your partner have a drinking or drug problem?
12) Violence under the influence of alcohol or drugs: Does your partner become verbally or physically abusive under the influence of alcohol and drugs?
13) Verbal or physical abuse towards public: Is your partner verbally or physically abusive towards others, like people in the restaurant, other drivers on the street, people they come in contact with, etc.?
14) Excessively critical of you or your family: Does your partner say negative things about you or your family?
15) Excessive sexual jealousy: Does your partner "love you so much" that he/she can't "stand" you being in the company of other people?
16) Possessive behavior: Is your partner unhappy or moody when you spend time with your friends or family?
17) Restricting and controlling behavior: Has your partner told you to not keep any contact with your friends and family?
18) Jealous accusations: Has your partner jokingly or seriously complained that you were trying to attract other men/women by the way you walk, dress, or behave?
19) Checking and tracking: Does your partner keep track of where you went, who you met, and how much time you spend somewhere?
20) Use of force or coercion: Has your partner threatened or actually hit you, or coerced you for sexual act even though he/she apologized profusely and made it up to you? This is a serious sign!!
If you think you might be in an abusive or controlling relationship, get help. Contact your local helping agency or if you are a student, then contact your school counselor. Talk to your parents or your pastor. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Get help before it is too late.
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