Your pastor's wife is probably not on the payroll

Several years ago, my husband and I interviewed with a church who was looking for a new pastor. Before the service began, one of the church ladies had the following conversation with me --

Lady: Would you like to play a "special" on the piano?

Me: I don't play piano…never could get the hang of it.

Lady: Well, we have an organ, too, if you would rather play that.

Me: Oh, gosh, I don't play that either.

Lady: You could always sing a special. Would you like to do that?

Me: Trust me, you don't want me to sing in front of your church.

Lady: Well then, what exactly DO you do?

It was obvious that she believed a pastor's wife should be able to play piano or sing or, even better, sing while playing piano. I guess I'm just not that kind of pastor's wife.

I've recently been thinking about the role of pastors' wives in the church. Some churches have a very healthy view of the pastor's wife. She may be treated just like any other congregation member, with freedom to choose when/where/how she serves in the church. Other churches treat the hiring of the pastor as a two-for-one bargain -- one salary for two employees. This approach often leads to frustration and burnout on the part of the unpaid but over-worked spouse, along with resentment toward the church. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you want to build freedom for your pastor's family:

What are the roles our pastor's spouse currently fills?

Is she doing more than what would be expected for an average church attendee?

Is she serving in an area of interest or gifting -- or is she plugging holes that others don't want to fill?

Does she feel appreciated and encouraged? Or is she treated like an employee of the church?

How many Sundays each month does the pastor's spouse miss some or all of the worship service due to her ministry "requirement"?

Does your pastor's wife have the freedom to miss church periodically for her own sickness or mental health?

Finally, does your pastor's wife have the freedom to say "no" to tasks -- without anyone looking down on her or speaking poorly of her to others?

It is easy to take advantage of a pastor's wife. She is a support to her husband and may have vital skills that complement his ministry. However, if a church demands too much or dumps all the unpleasant tasks on the spouse, it is a recipe for burnout. And, as I like to tell my children often, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Burnout for the pastor's wife will spill over into his own feelings of pastoral satisfaction. 

Remember to pray for your pastor and his family. They aren't paid staff and may not be excited about all the ways that the church affects their family life. For most jobs, work can be left at the office, but a pastor is a pastor all day, every day. Those prayers (and some consideration of their needs as a family) go a long way.